I had to tell a patient in her early 40's today that she has stage 3 possibly 4 breast cancer. It was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. She said she wasn't surprised. She had a feeling something was wrong. Then she did something I didn't expect. She knew about my miscarriage and asked me how I was doing? I just told her she might die and she was concerned about me. It brought me to tears. We had a good cry together and we both made a promise to try and look to the future and not look back at "i should have or could have". sometimes patients can surprise you.
I want to thank all of you reading this diary who have sent me wonderful and supportive emails. I can't thank you enough. It means so much to me.
The gym is my sanctuary. (and my IPOD too) They are the two things beside my husband that are getting me through. I am anxious to talk to the bereavement counselor on wed. I just think I need some help with dealing with my patients and trying once again to have sympathy for their problems. Right now all I can think about is me. I know that sounds selfish, but I am being honest. My mind always seems to drift back to my pregnancy, whether it was a girl or boy and of course why?
:confused: Today has been a good day and I feel guilty. It has only been a little over a week and I laughed for the first time today. I feel like i am betraying my baby. I know it sounds dumb, but how can I laugh and be happy when my baby is gone?
Worst things said to me since the miscarriage:
1) well you got to 8 weeks, maybe next time you'll get to 16 weeks?( What the heck ?)
2) You weren't really pregnant.( I wasn't ? tell that to my beta's.)
3) I never had a problem, once I was pregnant it always stuck.( I know your children and I am not sure that is a good thing)
4) Did you do something to make it happen? ( I don't need guilt, I already have enough of my own)
5) My friend , with the same due date," I am so sad for myself, I won't have anyone to share my pregnancy with.( I might be a tad more disappointed seeing as how I lost my baby and you still have yours)
6) My husband said on the night of my d/c" well since you lost the baby you can start scooping the cats poop again.( Yes I yelled a little that night and he scooped the poop)
My three best friends are all pregnant. One is due this month , one in june and one on what was to be my due date. I just can't bring myself to be around them. It hurts so much. My one friend has her new u/s pics up on her website and honestly I looked at those pictures and all I felt was jealousy. I know I am a terrible person, but I am being honest.They all got pregnant without a problem. I just don;t understand why it has to be so hard for us. I hope this feeling passes but for now I am avoiding them like the plague.
My patient that I talked about in a previous post with breast cancer just sent me a cheer up card. The true goodness of people amazes me. she is facing surgery tom. and chemo and heavens knows what else and she thought of me. What a lady.