Where (if?) I will be has already been decided, but I won't know for another week. Oh, boy. I surprised myself by choosing to rank the busy, stressful, academic program first. I didn't think I would do that. I think it was for two reasons. First, if I chose a different program, we would have to move. Normally, no big deal. But, I would be moving with a 3 week old. Am I totally insane? It just seemed impossible. I can hardly string together sentences at 3 weeks post partum much less organize a move with a 4yo, 2 yo and newborn to care for! Also, we have a good preschool here, live in a good neighborhood, have some nice friends. Why rock the boat even more than it will be when mommy disappears for 3 years? The other reason is that I don't want to close any doors. I am 99.9% sure that I want to stick with primary care, but I do also like peds rheumatology... you don't get a lot of exposure to that in a community hospital. Oh, but now if I don't get it I will be so disappointed! I paid for next years preschool deposit (and now have no savings), finally finished unpacking here, even planted some flowers. Come on March 17th....!
I worry about starting internship with maternity leave. First, I am worried about missing those critical months of July and August. You learn so much in such a short time, I will be waaay behind and look like an idiot! Also, I worry that it will be hard for me socially. I already have the fact that I have kids making me different, now I will miss all those bonding events and retreats. Feelings of being an outsider, here I come. It has been hard being the transfer but I thought that in residency it would be very different. Hmmm. I've found it hard to know how to be a girlfriend now that I am a mom and a wife. You can't be available all the time. You can't go out whenever it sounds fun. I always want to rush home after classes or shifts which doesn't lend itself to forming deep relationships. I have reconnected with good friends from church. I hope I can keep that up as an intern!
Then relieved, then angry, then embarrassed, then.... a million other things this last month.
So, there I was on match day- so sure of where I would be next year, sure of what that envelope would say. When I opened it, I could not believe it said:
"congrats on match at *your second choice*"
Wah, wah poor me- I know. But this means so many things. My family has to move, we have to move away from our friends, our neighborhood... into a foreign (ok its 20 miles away, but it is another world) place. We have to pay for moving and my loan money is running out. We have to move with a new baby.
So, in that moment, I didn't cry (for once), but I had this bizarre feeling like everyone in the room was watching me. Of course they weren't, but it was an odd moment to be in such a public place receiving such private information tied up so tightly with ego and family and failure. I smiled and said "yay!"
It probably isn't the move. It probably isn't the fact that I put a $1400 non refundable deposit on the preschool here that is now a donation. It probably isn't that I now have to take out a relocation loan on top of my other 400,000 in loans that I am graduating with and freaking out about.
It is my ego that is hurting. Let's just be honest: things have worked out for me. So far, no matter how difficult or far fetched a thing has seemed, I feel like I can get it, can make it happen. I didn't realize that I really felt that way about the world, but I see now that I did. It was like a kick in the stomach to see the other people in my class that did match at the program I ranked first. There was no hiding the fact that I was ranked below them. Yes, they have masters or phds, yes, they did tons of research and extra curriculars... but I birthed two children and still did well academically in med school damn it! Isn't that harder? Guess not. The thing is, I feel like they led me on. All the residents went out of their way to let me know that they liked me, they couldn't wait to work with me, bla bla bla. They incoming chief emailed me saying that she hoped I would rank them first and be her intern. I felt like my AI went great there. Whatever!
This is good for me, I know. It is good for my worldview: Grow Up. You don't always get whatever you want. You are not in control. You are not the best or most qualified.
Maybe, this will make me a better learner. I feel like a freer learner already. I am in peds ER this month and I have lost the need to prove my knowledge during a workday. Instead, I feel like a sponge soaking up teaching and experience. I am finally learning to do a decent PE! Talk about doing things backwards.
I know that this program is best for me. I felt more "at home" there, the area truly is better for families, the drive will be much more bearable. The program director is a woman, and a parent, and a nice person (all 3 untrue of other PD!) I like the hospital much better and like the patient population much better. The residents are happy, rather than miserable.... all good things.
Now that a month has passed, I am excited and happy to be at this program, but my sense of self has changed. I feel a little more timid, a little less cowgirl. I thought I was a pretty humble person (what an incredibly non-humble thought!) But maybe this is how it actually comes to be that a person becomes humble- through painful, humbling experiences.
I expect intern year will be another crash course in humility! Here we go.
In other news, I am HUGE. 30 weeks tomorrow, yay! And, I have never felt so old and creaky before. I hurt SO bad everywhere. I tried complaining to my mom bc you get no sympathy from an obgyn husband (are you contracting? bleeding? bad headache? You're fine.) and she tactfully informed me that I am no spring chicken this time around. Really mom? 27 is AMA to you? Ugh. She's kinda right though, I feel about 207 years old today. I'm going to go roll myself onto my left side and snore like a beached manatee and proceed to wake q2 hours with leg cramps.
And to end this long post on a happy note: I get to go to my son't field trip tomorrow! Woo hoo! He is super excited. And, a working momma in the class was freaking out bc something came up and she can't go, so I am swinging by to take her daughter with us. Makes me feel good to be able to help her out. Can't wait for a fun day.