Some days I think that if I don't choose medicine I will never be happy. I really can't think of a single job where I would be fulfilled and challenged. All the jobs I've been interviewing for seem so incredibly boring. Which is worse--going to a job everyday where you feel you're just taking up space--and going home to enjoy your outside interests--or being worked to death in med school through residency, but feeling like you actually have a purpose in life?
Whenever I think of going to a cubicle job for the rest of my life I feel truly ill and also depressed. A job where I make a mediocre salary, have a boss who will likely be annoying, and have to deal with irritating co-workers (a la Office Space) every day? A job where I get two weeks vacation a year as a reward for sitting on my butt in a cubicle every day? How do people live like that without totally losing it? That is, if they're even lucky enough to find a job?
Well, at last. I've been offered a position! However, it's for a receptionist. Pay is a little better than $7. Not sure if I should take it, as it's an hour commute each way and in a very shady neighborhood. But it's the best job in 2.5 months that I can seem to get. Hmmm...
Today I had plans to go to about 5 different restaurants and fill out applications, but I ended up taking a 4 hour nap this afternoon. Today I just didn't feel like doing anything. Maybe I'm starting to get depressed, I don't know. Tonight I'm just going to read or watch more Nick and Jessica. I'm a little burned out on the resumes and cover letters for now.
Well, I just got my MCAT scores back from the April 2005 test. I got a 26. I just feel numb. I spent all winter studying for that thing, especially for PS which did not change at all from my August 2004 administration. That test I got a 25, but I didn't study at all!!!! And this time around I study for 8 hours a day, for three months and I get a 26!!!! That seems really crazy and sad to me. What should I do?
You know, if I do decide to say goodbye to the med school route, I'm really going to miss being a pre-med post-bacc. Being a pre-med has been my identity for the past two years, from ages 26-28. I've really enjoyed it. For instance, I feel such a sense of community with you guys and with the people over on SDN. Like just now, I saw there were 251 people viewing the MCAT forum on SDN at 11 pm. Everyone got word that the MCAT scores were out, and everyone was furiously posting. Maybe it sounds incredibly lame, but being one of those 251 who is checking my scores and posting on the threads right now really makes me feel part of something. It gives me a sense of community, something to belong to. I definitely don't feel this sense of community in my non-online life right now. None of my friends really "get" me and medicine. My husband does, of course, but he's a resident and is more removed from those angst-filled days of being a pre-med. The Internet really is amazing, I think it's the single most incredible invention of the 20th century.
I'm sad b/c of my MCAT score, and this just makes things even more complicated. If I was in the 27-28 range, I'd be all set to apply. But now, with a 26, what do I do? Re-take? Ugh, I can't imagine re-taking for the third time!
Today I woke up with a sinking feeling. 26 MCAT. Now really there's no decision to make. Unless I take it again for a third time, it is unlikely that I will get in anywhere with that score. I feel a sense of despair about that. I worked incredibly hard to master the material and I took every AAMC practice test there was. With a 26, MD is most likely not even an option.
Great, now I'm not even good enough to score a good score and re-take the MCAT. More fire to fuel my inferiority complex.
Well, another day of job searching. Happily, I have an interview at the Limited today and I had an interview this morning at Pier 1 Imports. I spent the day applying to over 10 more retail stores and restaurants. I'm hoping that a job will become a reality soon!
I've basically come to peace with the fact that although I have a BA and a JD, I will be working a minimum wage job for a short time (well, hopefully a short time.) I'm thinking that maybe I can get a 40 hour per week job at one retail store, and a part-time job at another, and maybe then I can be okay finance-wise. This whole experience job searching has just been plain old sad. I can't believe it's been three months of doing everything right, and still no offers.
However, after reading a bunch of job search web sites, I realize that finding a job does take months. And I'm not picky at all--I'll take anything that comes up--but I just haven't been offered anything that doesn't involve passing out flyers at pet expos for a weekend (the only jobs temp agencies seem to send my way.)
Today while I was applying at the mall I ran into a girl from my high school--a class below me. I would never have recognized her, but she recognized me. My heart sank when I heard the dreaded, "so what do you do now?" Ugh. How I hate that very sentence. I said that I'm looking for a job--when she asked what type I simple said, "a lawyer job." I was hoping she wouldn't press me for details. I just hate that intrusive question. Why do people seem to think it's a good conversation opener? To me it's intrusive and it makes me uncomfortable.
Anyhow, somehow I got out of any lengthy explanations and got out of that conversation. I hate running into people I know from the past. I feel like a failure when they ask me what I do. I wish I had an exciting, high-powered career that I could discuss with passion when they ask me that question.
I had a nice fourth weekend with my husband. I felt like we have been connecting lately more strongly, and that makes me happy.
I'm still planning on medicine, though I cancelled my upper level bio class I was planning to take this summer session. After my 26 MCAT results from April came in, I felt too burned out to focus this summer on classes. I'm signed up for a few classes in the fall, I'll plan on taking those then.
Tonight I was taking a walk down memory lane, and I looked at the Web page where I chose my bouquet for my wedding....I was married a little over one year ago. I thought it would be fun tonight to look at the florist's web site that I used, and look through the bouquet options on there. It brought back memories of the wedding planning, and my wedding last summer. I miss those days, I wish I could re-live that time all over again. I wish I could be back on my honeymoon, feeling so carefree.
Sigh. I miss having a project of that magnitude--the wedding planning. Last summer was busy--planning my wedding, taking organic chemistry, and taking the August MCAT. This summer seems totally devoid of any activity, except for futile job searching.
I miss the creativity and excitement of planning my wedding. I'd love to find a project just like that. Last summer seemed so exciting....getting married, applying to med school, being newlyweds, going on our honeymoon.....this summer, by comparison, is snoresville. I feel way more so than last summer that I'm truly in the midst of the quarter-life crisis.
What is truly important in life? Health, for sure. That's number one for me. Love, marriage, children, happiness. Those are all also important to me. A fulfilling career, interesting hobbies, fun vacations. I feel, though, that I'm kind of stagnating right now in the career and hobbies department....not sure what to do to jump start this area. Any suggestions?