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13 years 11 months ago #70546 by pschmom1
Well well where to start? I've been pondering the idea of starting a diary for a while now. I guess I made my decision so here I am. I don't know how exciting it will be but I guess it's more for me. I figured now is a good time to start tracking my journey. I find keeping a journal very theraputic so hopefully throughout the days, weeks, and years I will look back on this and be proud of my growth throughout motherhood, marrige, and medicine.

I guess I'll start from the begining. I am 27yrs old with 2 children, Austin 8yrs, and Dylan 3yrs (almost 4). I am divorced from their father but we still remain friends, sometimes better than other! I was young when I started dating him and it wasn't the best of relationships. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man who is a police officer and owns 2 other smaller businesses. He has 2 children, Eddy 12yrs and Emily 10yrs. I hate his ex wife and she hates me. There is no reason for her to hate me (they were divorced for 4.5 yrs before we started dating), just that he moved on and quit playing her games I think, but anyways that's the story! My fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years and we were friends for 3yrs before we started dating. We are getting married this Sep and I am super excited. My first wedding was at the court house so were doing the big sha-bang and it's like my first wedding. Ok, I guess that wasn't the begining, so NOW I'll start with the beginning.
I sit back all the time and think "how did I get here" I mean here, in this house, in this state of happiness and well being, on this road to med school, and in this skin. If you would have asked me 5yrs ago or heck even 3 I would have said I was never going to college b/c I didn't need it and I was going to be a cosmetologist. Plus, I thought I was stupid and that I couldn't hack college. I couldn't even hack high school or any thing prior. I was a terrible student in school, all of school! I didn't like school and I didn't care! I actually dropped out in my senior year. But now that I am an adult and I look back on my life, It really makes a lot of sence why I was like I was. It all started, I guess when I was in my mother's womb. My mom got pregnant with me by accident when she was 35yrs. Shortly after, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Back then it was either get an abortion or wait until you have the baby to receive treatment. Obviously she chose the latter. My dad and her were divorced shortly after I was born and he chose not to carry on much of a relationship with me after that. I did see him and spend time with him, but he was an alchoholic so it wasn't your "daddy daughter" relationship. Anyways, I have an sister that is 13yrs older and a brother who is 10yrs older. For the first 10yrs of my life my mom was in and out of the hospital and in and out of chemo and radiation. She had breast cancer 4 times and eventually had both of her breasts removed, and then ended up passing when I was 10 from lung, bone, and cancer of the lymphnodes. I litterally watched my mom wither away and witnessed the cancer ravage her frail tiny body. I don't think I will ever get over that. The thing that is weird, is that when I cry for her, I cry for her like a helpless and hopeless child. It's not all that often now, actually rarely, but I still miss her and need her like I did when I was a child.
Bassically after my mom died, my life went to ****! I lived with my sister who was 23yrs and her husband and new baby. They were not the best of role models, not to mention care takers. I guess back then, nutureing and love was not something they understood. I was the live in babysitter while they partied and I was treated like a red headed step child. They just didn't see the importance in stepping back and trying to understand that I was a child who just lost her mother, the mother that I spent every waking minute with until she died, the mother that I slept with until she was so sick that she slept in a hospital bed at home, so I slept on a mattress next to her bed. I slept in her hospital bed for weeks after she died. Anyways, my sister's house and relationship with her husband was a very unpleasant situation. I truly began to hate life and everything about it. I moved out of their house when I was 16 for good. I often would go stay with my brother and his wife before that. But one day, I had enough. I was gone and gone for good. I moved into my aunts house for about a year and a half, but she kicked me out for smoking pot. I was a difficult teen and a very angry and confused person at that time. I moved in with my brother once again and waited for my 18th B-Day when I collected a pretty nice trust fund from my mom. I got an apartment, a new car, a lot of clothes, cd's, electronics, and then dropped out of school. School was a big burden and I FINNALLY didn't have someone pestering me about my grades or grounding me for months at a time to my bedroom with no TV, phone, or radio. I had it all!!! I met up with my ex husband, got pregnant, was on and off with him, and got pregnant again. The only thing I have done right so far is be a good mom. I always knew I wanted to have children young. I wanted to be a young mom and be rather young when I had grandkids. The truth is, I was desperate to be a mom. I was desperate to love and take care of my child, the way I so desperately wanted someone to love and take care of me. I was 19 when I had my son and that was truly the happiest day of my life. I waitressed and went to cosmetology school. I knew no matter what, that I was going to be a great mom and provide a stable, healthy, loving, and happy enviroment for my kids. I said that I would rather have my boys grow up in a broken home, than a home filled with negativity and a hostile enviroment. I thought I had it all figured out. Even when I kicked my looser of a husband out when my youngest was 3 months old, I thought I had it figured out and I was miss independant. I started going to a therapist and did some deep soul searching after I had my youngest and left my husband. It was then that I realized that I had not dealt with the past. I had not dealt with my mothers death or the pain and anger I was storing towards my sister and her husband. That was the first time in my life that I felt out of controll and went on anti-depressants.

It wasn't until I met and fell in love with my fiance, did I really grasp life and how I fit into it. I was intimidated by him b/c he was so mature, intelligent, responsible, older, and seemed to have it all. I would talk to him all of the time and even have a few drinks with him when I got out of work, but I just wasn't attracted to him. I guess he wasn't the hot, young, irresponsible jerk I was used to. Don't get me wrong, he's very attractive, but I was in a different place then. It all started one evening when him and his friend came into the restaraunt where I worked as they always did. I waited on them and then went down to the bar to have a drink with him. I was talking about my issues with this guy I was dating, and it was then that I actually "noticed" him. Just the responses and advice he gave me rocked my world. I thought to myself, this guy is a hell of a guy! So then I was a little intersted in him. I asked him out "as friends" and then the next weekend we went out. I have said this then and I still say it today, I fell in love with him that night, on our first date. I just loved how he treated me and spoke to me, yet it was only a friend thing. I saw him a few times after that b/c he would come to my work when he was working as he always did. But he never said much more than before and never asked me out again or called me. I was so upset b/c I really liked him and wanted to pursue this, but he didn't say a thing. After a few weeks, more like almost a month, I gave up on him. I refused to call him or ask him out again and I thought he wasn't interested. I should say, for the record, that he asked me out a few times before I asked him out, but very friendly and more through his friend, so I knew he at one time had interest. Then after I decided that I was not going to worry about the situation anymore, he came in! He came into my work, asked for me, and talked to me for over an hour. He asked when we were going to go out again and so on. I was on cloud nine :cloud9: That was it, I was in love and I knew it. There was something about him that truly sttod out. I dated quite a few guys, great guys with great careers and your average Joes. He was the one. It was my biggest challenge and I had to play everything perfectly. I had to play hard to get, yet not too hard to get. Even though I wanted to wrap his 6'4" 250lb body in my arms and never let go, I couldn't! We fell in love, or should I say, he in return, fell in love with me (he said I love you first :D ) and now here we are :cloud9: We have been through a lot as far as combining families and his ex wife, and we've even gone to therapy, but were doing great and I couldn't be happier. We came into this relationship with some baggage, but were working out the kinks and I am very optimistic and positive about our future.

Ok, now on to medicine. So I was sitting around one evening and looking over Ed's (my fiance) psychology notes. He was working on his BA. I was facinated, as I always have been about psychology, and I was reading them just for fun. I looked at Ed and said "If I had the smarts, I would be a psychologist" he said "you do" I said "heck no I don't" he said "Hilary, I listen to you talk, you are very intelligent, you don't give yourself enough credit" and that no I dont, yes you do, thing continued. Then I wanted a real job. An imporatant job, I was done with the waitress thing. I realized that I would never get a good job if I didn't go to college. I was scared to death of college and I didn't even have my GED (which I kept from everyone). I really didn't think I could hack college and I didn't think I was smart enough. In high school I struggled for a C, what the heck would I be facing in college? I sat back and anyalized my situation, what job wouldn't "suck" (that is really how I thought about it) and decided that I wanted to be a clinical therapist. Ok so that would take 6yrs of school :yikes: . I was thinking, yeah whatever! Then I did some more soul searching and I had this weird, constant, burining, drive, and desire to be something. Really truly BE something and somebody. So I did it, I enrolled in school and took my GED. I was so scared b/c I hadn't been in school for so long, not to mention that I wasn't mentally ever in school to begin with. I had actually forgot basic multiplication tables, division, and fractions. When I started school I was blown away. Not b/c I did bad, but because I did so good. I couldn't believe how good I was doing. I took my GED test and scored rather high. I was shocked. I was getting A's in all of my classes and I was absorbing and retaining information like a sponge, and ya know what, I loved it. I loved gettign those A's, I loved feeling semi smart, and I loved the whole idea of working towards a wonderful career as a therapist. I was infatuated with psychology and the brain. I decided ot major in psychology and then go for my masters in social work. Then I would be a clinical therapist. When I decided to go to college, I convinced my best friend to also. She was hesitant at first but hen decided to take a few classes with me. What is funny is, she always did well in school and was very confident, and I sucked and was nervous, yet I always did as good or better then her. Not like there was any compition, it was just reassuring to me. I found this determination and drive that I've never felt before. I loved school! It wasn't until last spring when I took and abnormal psychology class, did I realize what I truly wanted. My professor who was a psychologist, would say in front of the class, that I should pursue psychiatry, not psychology, but psychiatry because of my admiration for the brain and how it worked. I again said, yeah whatever, I'm not going to school for 12yrs (6 was pushing it) nor am I smart enough. He kept talking about it and telling me how great I would be. I guess he saw something in me that I hadn't noticed or payed attention to yet. The he said, "yeah, it's a lot of school, and a lot of money, but would ya rather look back when your 40 and say you wish you would have, or would you rather say, it was a long time and a lot of money, but I'm only 40 and I'm glad I did" I guess I shouldn't have quoted that b/c I can't remember if those were his "exact" words but anyways ya get the point. It was those words that stuck with me. The thing is, I have always loved medicine. All of medicine. Maybe it's from dealing with my moms cancer and spending a lot of my childhood in a hospital. Even when I had my boys, I loved being in the hospital and was amazed by the doctors and nurses. I simply never aknowleged it b/c I thought I wasn't smart enough. So I did some research about psychiatry and spent numerous hours reading about medical school and everthing I could find about it, within that research I found this site. I can't remember exactly how I found it, but I did and it has been amazing. The more I researched medicine, the more I knew it was right for me. I started that fall in my pre med classes and figured that I would find out if I could hack it and if I was smart enough. So far so good. I am still doing great and I have a 3.6 GPA. I'm at the top of my class in anatomy and physiology and I was scared about that class. Chem sucks but I'm at a 90% right now. I hate chem. That has been my worst class yet. I know that I have a long long road ahead of me and I haven't even scraped the surface of pre med classes or what med school is really all about. But I will take each obsticle and challenge as they come and hopefully continue up this road to success. So far I am positive and determined. I have been rather active in these forums and I have heard the best and worse stories about medicine. I am finishing up my 2nd year of college and I'm excited to start my 3rd. I know that this is not going to be easy, but I really, truly, with all of my heart, want this. I honestly can not think of anything else that would make me happy. Even therapy would not touch this burning flame inside of me. I have had do much pain and unhappiness in my life, and now I am ready to do something for me. I want to be happy, I want to be a positive role model for my children, I want to be challenged, I want to push and strive, I want to acheive, I want to feel success, I want to feel accomplished, and I want to make a difference in somebody's, anybody's life. I want this and I will have this.

I guess this is pretty long, but I had to get it out so I can look back on where I came from and understand and appreciate where I am, and where I will be. I know that when I feel down, I will look back to this diary and find inspiration and determination through, and within myself. I am proof that even though life hands you a crap load of heartache, greif, and dissapointments, you can and I can do it :D

Good night,

Hilary

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13 years 11 months ago #70547 by pschmom1
Well, as I go back and read my first entry, I must admit that I shared a lot and it's almost hard to read. However, at the same time, coming to terms with my past and my life, although it hasn't been easy, has been very theraputic. I feel like the more I acknowlege who I was and who I am, the more I continue to grow and be at peace within myself. It's a rather peaceful and invigorating experience. One important part of my life that I somehow skipped was my fathers death. He passed when I was 23yrs after suffering his 2nd major stroke. That was another difficult time in my life, but like the rest, I faced it head on and delt with it the best I could at the time. At that point, death was no stranger to me. I have been to more funerals than weddings. :confused: Anyways, on a lighter note, I hate chemistry. I have no idea how I am gonna manage another year and a half of this crap. I can't understand how every other class I take, I do very well in, and then this class kills me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it is extremely boring, tedious, annoying, complex, and uninteresting. Just to name a few.

I really enjoyed my spring break. I went to see the broadway play "Chicago". It was so much fun. I basically relaxed the whole break. I had full intentions on studying chem, but that didn't sound very relaxing, so I didn't :eek: :D

I started my exercise routine last week also. Just some free weights for my arms, pilates, and some treadmill action. I tell ya what, the day after my first workout, I was in pain :boggled: I'm sure my bridal party will pull me together! My four best friends will be standing up for me along with my future step daughter :D I have been friends with them forever it seems but more like 10 years. They are wonderful women and I'm lucky to have all of them in my life. We are all so different and we seem to round eachother out. I can't help but feel guilty at times though b/c they all have so much going on in their own lives and I feel like the focus will be on me and not them. One has been dealing with some personal difficulties and I feel bad that she is helping me out with all of this when she feels so bad and has so much going on. Hopefully everything will work out for everybody and everybody is happy. They are coming over thursday night for a mexican dinner and some wedding planning. I'm really excited. One thing that I am definately not excited for is the pricy $$$ that comes along with everything. Ed is in the process of starting another business, so hopefully that will bring in some money in the next few months to help out :crossfingers: Well, I guess that's all for tonight.

Take Care,
Hilary

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13 years 11 months ago #70548 by pschmom1
Just a quick reflection! I have just read Kris's latest update and I am just lost for words. I am so overcome by this situation. I went to the support thread and I was speachless. I want to say something, anything, but I just don't know what to say. Why is it that I am so overwhelmed and I feel so helpless? I just wish there was something, anything that I could say or do to make her feel better. I speak of her to my friends and family like I have personally known her my whole life. It is so hard to not have any control or ability in this situation. But then again, she knows that feeling better than I. I pray to the lord that he will hold her as she needs to be held. He will take her and her unborn daughter in his arms and give them the strength and determination to be thrive and live well. :grouphug:

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13 years 11 months ago #70549 by pschmom1
So I made a huge mexican dinner for my bridal party the other night and I ended up getting some kind of stomach virus and didn't even get to eat it :( We did get some good bridal shower and bacheleor/bacheleorette party ideas going and looked over some dresses. It was so exciting, other than the fact that I didn't feel well. My bridal shower is going to be at my friends house and she lives on Lake Huron. It is going to be sooo beautiful and I can't wait. The bacheleor and bacheleorette partys are going to be joint. My fiance had one with his past marriage so we decided to do a joint one with all of our couple friends and the few single ones. I think it will be really nice to have them together. We are doing a pimps and hoes theme so that should be hilarious and a ton of fun.
The monster in law is really starting to wear on my nerves. She is terrible. I am to the point that I just don't care anymore, and I could care less what she thinks of me. She has no reason not to like me, just the fact that I'm a single mom that doesn't work and her son supports me while I go to school. Well, her son and I think that it is best for me to go to school to provide a better life for our family and it really has nothing to do with her! I wonder if she would like me better if I met Ed after I had my career established, but wouldn't I still be me? Um yeah, I would! She is very old fashioned and very close minded. If I sat here and typed all of the things she has said or done, I would take up 50 pages. She treats Ed like a child and he's getting really sick of it. She hates the fact that she doesn't have control over him anymore and that we don't revolve our lives around her. When I first met Ed he would go to her house every Sun for dinner and dinner was the same every week and at 1:00 sharp. He works midnights and she would call and crab at him b/c he wasn't there at noon when he didn't even go to bed until 8am. When we are there she is crabby and will undermind Ed when he diciplines his kids. She yells at him like he is a child. I have never seen anything like it. Every Sun it is Roast, cold dry mashed potatoes, home grown corn, homeade applesauce, lettuce w/oil & vin, home grown squash, and homeade coleslaw. Then for dessert, which is served while I'm still eating dinner b/c I have manners and don't scarf my food, it's homeade pie and ice cream. Well that sounds nice, but it's always cold and who wants to eat a meal like that for lunch? Plus, if she wasn't such a crotchety lady, I would maybe appreciate it a little more. When I have invited them over for dinner, they would crab b/c I would have it later, um, ya know, dinner time, and crab b/c it wasn't grown and made from scratch. That's just a tip of the ice berg. The most recent episode happened the other day. She was running her mouth to the family when we weren't there and saying that it was rude that I didn't ask Ed's sister to be in my wedding. Mind you his sister is 35yrs, a school teacher, has no friends, has never had a boyfriend, drives home every weekend to hang out with her parents, and has the personality of a door nob. So I would ask her to be in my wedding why? I didn't even ask my own sister to be in my wedding. My sister doesn't like stuff like that and is very happy to just support me. So anyways, Ed hears this crap from a friend and gets really mad. He called his mom and pretty much laid it on her. I was happy b/c usually he just stands and takes all of the crap she gives but he has had enough. Some other stuff happened a few weeks before this and he was fed up. He confronted her about this and she said something like "I just said that if she "were to be asked" she would stand up on your side" :censored: I have tried and tried with this lady and I just don't get it. I'm always very friendly and polite, I smile a lot, and help with dinner and such. I just don't get it. They have even made a comment about an outfit I wore to a spagetti dinner b/c I had some cleavage showing! Give me a break, it was a spagetti dinner not church! I dress rather fashionable and I happen to have breasts. My outfit was perfectly fine and appropriate. I'm not going to wear a turtle neck thanks. Anyways, I am just so tired of her crap and rejection for no good reason. I just don't know what to do anymore. Oh well, I guess I have to live with it and maybe once I'm not so mad I will make better sence of it all, or at least be able to reach out one more time and give it another shot.

Whew, I feel maybe a little better! I'm getting a little sick of school. I think it was spring break. I like breaks, but I almost loose my thunder and motivation. I had my chem exam yesterday and I'm not sure how I did. It was pretty hard. Hopefully I did ok. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with add. Nothing new to me, just needed the doc to verify and write me a rx. He gave me an rx for adderall. Hopefully that works out good. It really sucks that I have this, but I'm glad it can be successfully treated w/meds. He said that one of the side effects would be weight loss :D , I was pretty broken up about that ;) . Ok I think that is all for tonight. I guess I was in a venting type of mood. But I guess that is what a diary is for. Goodnight!

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13 years 10 months ago #70550 by pschmom1
I am really ready for summer. It was all of 65 degrees today and I felt like I wanted to open the pool. I am so sick of crappy cold weather. You can sure tell that people are ready for summer when it hits 60 degrees and people put on their sandles and capri's. It is definaltely time to work on the tan and loose my winter weight. I am really gonna cram for the next month so I can get my grades where I want them. That would be all As. It's not looking to out of reach if I really buckle down. It seems like once your percentage goes below a 90, its like pulling teeth to get it back up. I tell ya, it wasn't that hard to get it down, why does it have to be so hard to get it up :p I shall try! I am getting a better grasp in chem. Now that there's one month of school left, how convienient. I'm curious as to whats in store next semester. I think I'm gonna have a pretty hard load. I will definatley see what I'm made of that's for sure. Hopefully I have good teachers. I really want to take the mcat next spring but I'm not so sure I will be ready. I need to talk to my advisor and see what I'm up against. I have a lot of pre med classes left so Im thinking spring might be out of the question. We'll see though. I want to get everything done as fast as possible and start med school after my senior year, but I also want to do well in everything and score high on the mcat so I need to relax and take my time. I can only apply to one med school b/c Ed won't move. He feels he won't get promoted if he does, plus his kids are here and my kids dad is here. I will need a lot of his help while I'm in med school so it's best to fight my odds and stay here. It's the only way it will work out. As bad as I wan't to be an official med student, I need to deal with what I have and hopefully, through the grace of God, everything will work out. There is no other option for me than to be a psychiatrist. NONE!!!! I will apply and reapply until they just feel bad for me and let me in :rotfl:

Take care,

Hilary

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13 years 10 months ago #70551 by pschmom1
So I was just doing some reading about med school applicants and exceptance rates, and I have to say, I am really bummed!!! I just have no idea how this is going to work. I read profiles from several people with mcat scores from 28-40 and gpa's from 2.8-4.0!! These were all accepted to my school of choice (as if I have a choice)! But here's the catch, they all applied to 10 or so schools. I just can't do that! It literally is only possible for me to attend this one school. I have even thought about just applying to a bunch just to make it look good for my med school, but that is really not practical. I am so confused about this. I know I will be the ONLY applicant applying to one school! I wonder if that school will even give me a thought, let alone an interview b/c they will see that I've only applied to one school. I was ever so positive about this in my last post, and just like I said, I would be freaking out eventually. I'm not so much worried about gpa or mcats as I am my chances of acceptance. Has anyone ever just applied to one school? That is my only option unless I leave my fiance and go on welfare or something, which is, by the way, totally out of the question. Another thing that I am a little worried about is doing research and shadowing. I really want to do both and I know I HAVE too, but my fiance is cheap and I don't know how receptive to all of this he is going to be. We are not rich by any means so the money thing as far as day care or what ever may arise is an issue. Plus, he works 40hrs a week, has a summer business which keeps him really busy in the summer, and he is currently in the process of starting up another business. He is really busy, and I am too, yet I bring in zero income, so it doesn't matter that much I guess. When I talk about researching and shadowing, he just kind of blows it off, like I'm overreacting about this med school thing. He always tells me that I need to relax and not focus so much on my grades or I will end up screwing myself in the long run. He has no idea!!! This is coming from a man with an associates degree so I guess he wouldn't. He really doesn't understand how hard I have to work to just get an interview. He just thinks if I have good grades (3.0) than they have to accept me. It is sooooo frustrating. He says, "an A is an A regardless if it's an A-" Um well, not so much, an A is a 4.0, an A- is a 3.7. There is a big difference when you mix in a few Bs and maybe a C over the course of 4 years.
Plus the fact that I am starting from scratch after being out of school for 8 yrs, I have to take all of the entry level classes which I have, but I will start my 3rd year in the fall adn I still have to take chem 2, in organ chem 1 and 2, more bio, physics, a math class, plus all of the classes for my major. I have done some volenteering, and I am going back after this semester. But he is so super busy, that I don't even know if I will have time. We have to pay for a 15k wedding all by ourselves and have to come up with most of that in 4 mo with no credit cards, all cash. He is consumed with this new business, which has a ton of potential, yet he has been putting money out for 4 mo and no one has signed on yet. When he first started this process, he talked about me signing a pre nup. He realised that this new business had potential to make a lot of money and all of a sudden after out 2+ years of being in a serious relationship, wanted to make what he has always claimed "ours" and "team" and such, his. Um I absolutely do not think so. I know that I will make a nice income when I'm a doc, and I will double his I'm sure, but I never asked him for a pre nup nor would I. Well that was thrown out, b/c I said, if it is all of a sudden about money that you don't even have, and that you would aquire while we are living as a family, than we can just keep doing what we are doing and not get married. I thought about it long and hard and said that I would never sign a pre nup, so if he wanted to marry me than he would forget about it or we could continue on as a family as we have been. I figured, if he was that worried about money that he didn't even have, nor was it even promising that he was going to have it, than he didn't need to spend his precious money on a wedding, that now sounded superficial. Well, he agreed to no prenup which I am happy about. It has nothing to do with the money, b/c I will make my own money one day, and he doesn't even have it yet. I could understand if he was making $$$$ when I met him, but that is certianly not the case. We were together for 2+ years before he even thought about this business, and I have been helping him constuct documents and contracts and such. The whole idea ws embarassing and degrading to me. It was almost like, if I won the lottery tommarow and won millions, and all of a sudden told him I wanted a prenup. He would have flipped. Anyways, about this research thing, I am concerned that he is going to be stubborn when it comes to me having to be at school and such throughout the summer. I can't say for sure, but I have a feeling it will come with issues. He is so busy with his work and goals, that I feel like I am put in the corner. Even though he swears up and down that he is and will be supportive, he is just too busy. I am extremely interested, and I would be suprised if I didn't, but I am very interested in persuing a forensic fellowship after residency. There is a great one in my state, yet again, it is 2hrs away. It would be absolutely impossible to commute. I talked about moving, then he said he wasn't gonna build a new house if I wanted to move in 8yrs. Which is not a big concern, but the concern is, he will still be at the same job and he won't be able to move that far away. Plus he talks about his kids which more than likely will be off to college by then, or better be :confused: Who knows, his parents are old so we will probably have to stay here to take care of them. I am feeling a little crabby I think. I just feel like my situation will always be put on the back burner and I will always have to struggle harder to get anything. I feel like everything about him is more important than anything I have going on, yet at the same time, I wouldn't be here without him. I don't know. I just get sooo frustrated at times. I almost sound slightly bipolar compared to my last post yesterday, but I assure anyone reading this and myself that I am not ;) I am just focusing on the future and I've done a lot of reading today that really got me thinking. Not to mention that I am pre menstual and that is a very unpleasant time for me and everyone around me :mad: :weeping: :D I need to calm my thoughts b/c I am seriously venting right now. But I guess that is what this diary is for right? Ok Im off to bed, and tommarow is a new day. Certian to be a day of chaos, b/c Ed's kids are coming for the weekend which is very hectic. Ed is always grumpy when they're here for some reason. Everything will be great for 2 weeks until they come adn his entire personality seems to change. It is the weirdest thing. He is totally different with my kids and me when they're not here, but as soon as they walk in the door, he is annoyed with everyone, short tempered, and will even speak to me like a child sometimes. I just don't understand it. He treats my kids a hundred times better than he treats his own, but they don't see that because he is the same to everyone when they are here, and I refuse for anyone to get a special treatment. I am constantly talking to him about this, and he will listen and change for the next visit or so, and then it's back to normal. I know it has a lot to do with parental styles. I am totally different with my kids that he and his ex wife were and are with thiers. I think that they were and are easily stressed out and annoyed with their kids, and don't tend to have a great relationship with them. It has been like that since they had them and he has verified that. It goes along well with how Ed was raised. Kids are to be seen and not heard. Very strict and abrassive parental syles, where I am very loving, kissy, huggy, snuggle type, that he calls pampering, and a pushover. I don't agree, in fact, he is like me when he is with my kids, which is all of the time. He is used to being that way with mine, yet used to his parental style wiht his. As a matter of fact, when I first came into the picture his son was really really bad. Ed used to spank him and it was not a good situation. I talked to him about other options and grounding him instead of spanking and listening to him, and it worked. His son is very well behaved now, and all it took was a few, maybe 3 goundings to his room, and some positive reinforcement, and he literally is like a different child. I guess it's hard to totally break certian habits, especially when thats all you know.
Ok I need to go to bed! Why do I always ramble on and write novels. I have to mentally prepare myself for the in law visit on sunday. Plus I am really grumpy and I need to relax!

Night!

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