All I have to say is my friend has made her monthly visit, and boy do I feel better! I read my post from yesterday and I wanted to slap or hug myself :rotfl: I am no longer a bitter, annoyed, disouraged, and crabby mama today! I am free!!!!!!!! Yeahh!! What a difference. Anyways, no need to alert mental health profesionals b/c I am all better for the next 20 days!!
Dum Dum Dum,,, 1 more day until, Dum Dum Dum, IN LAWS!!!!!!!
Ok, so I went to the in-laws and I chickened out. I mean as far as starting and guideing conversation about Ed and I. I think it was mostly because I was very tired and didn't have the mental energy! Everything went ok. His mom was her usual self, as far as talking about herself and Ed's sister, and Ed's dad was his usual self as far as not talking at all. One thing that was funny was Ed's mom was talking about a bacheleorette party that his sister had the night before and that was why she wasn't there. But she went on and on about what they were doing and such, so I thought, great time for me to chime in and talk about our joint bacheolor/bacheolorette party, right? Um, not so much! I said "were having a joint party with our close friends" and she didn't even acknowlege that I said a thing! She continued on talking about this girl I have never met and how they were going to the girls house to "play games and have a sleepover" :laughing: Yeah right! Whatever! That was the extent of me trying to talk about anything, b/c after I was totally blown off, I knew I didn't have the energy to continue. I asked Ed if he noticed and he laughed and said "yeah, but that's how it's been my whole life"! I really felt sad for him at that moment, and the fact that he is just used to being blown off and not acknowleged. It's just so sad sometimes when I think about how they are with him, yet he is so strong and doesn't seem to care. I know he does b/c he has opened up to me about it before, but what do ya do? I truly think the situation with him and his parents is b/c of the fact that Ed has a life outside of his parents and has ever since he was 18 and went off to college. The sister has no life outside of her parents really, and I was shocked that she wasn't there this weekend. I guess his parents may feel abandoned or out of control or something. It is just a really weird situation. They know we are getting married in a few months (his moms idea to stay here and have a wedding) and you would think she would ask about it, something, anything? Or ask about Ed's new business? She talked to Ed's kids about school and such and Ed piped in and said Austin(my son) got his report card too! They are so weird. I, for the life of me, can't understand what it is about me that they find so hard to accept.
On a better note, we have the church and pastor booked and were ready to go. One of things I need to do is find sheet music to the song "Love Song" from Tesla, b/c I will be walking down the isle to the begining of that song. It's a guitar in the song, but it will be on the piano at my wedding. If anyone knows that song and the begining, it is beautiful. I really can't believe it is coming up so fast, and I am soooo excited. I filled out an on line application tonight for the show "Overhaulin" for Ed. The show is on TLC and they go all around the US and totally deckes out old cars for people. Ed has a 67 Buick Skylark convertable that he has been fixing up for a couple of years and he always watches that show. It's like "Extreme Makeover House Edition" but for cars. He totally deserves it and I am praying that they pick him. He would freak. He told me the other day that he has already bought me a wedding gift, and I feel so bad that I don't have "my own" money to buy him something. This would be the ultimate wedding gift. Gosh I hope they pick him
I watched a really good show on A&E tonight called "Asylem". It was a documentary about the criminally insane. I hope to one day be lucky enough to treat patients like the ones on this show. I am planning on doing a forensic fellowship after residency if all goes as planned. The seriously psychotic and anti-social is what I am looking forward too. I have a serious interest in serial killers (anti-social personality disorder). But, maybe I should get into med shcool before I worry about what I will do when I'm out right? First things first
School is going good. It's down to the crunch, which in a twisted kinda way, I like. I seem to work better under pressure. I have decided to pick up an extra credit assignment which I wasn't gonna do b/c I already have an A in the class, but it sounded interesting. I am writing a research paper on Parkinson's Disease. That alone will take up a nice amount of time. But it will be interesting and I would like to learn about it. I will drive myself crazy in the next few weeks in order to get all of my grades up to an A, or the ones that need it, plus writing this paper. I think I am a gluten for punishment, and I am a major procrastinator. I like the challenge of getting it all done and getting the grades! I don't know why I do this to myself b/c sometimes I can't pull it all the way up to an A. An A- is not the same as an A as far as gpa. Oh well, if it works!
I filled out the application for "Overhaulin" and sent it in with a bunch of pictures of Ed's car. Hopeful they choose him b/c he definitely deserves it. What was funny is, the day after I sent in the app, he sent me an e-mail asking me to please send in an app for him. He's not supposed to do that b/c it's supposed to be a surprise and he's not supposed to know anything about it. I laughed at him when I got it and said that it will never happen even if I did send it in. I told him that stuff like that doesn't happen for people like us. Just trying to make him think that I didn't see the possibility in it happening and that I wasn't interested in sending an app in I had to make it sound like there was no possibility ya know? I totally laughed it off like the idea was crazy! :rotfl: I hope so bad that they do pick him and he is so surprised. That would be the best!
School is going good. I took my anatomy test today and I know I got over a 100% on it. Chem is going good too. I have to write my paper this weekend, but I have the research done so the paper will only take a few hours. It is so weird that it is almost the end of the semester. This semester flew by. I always get so busy in the last month that when it's over, I can't wait to go back. Even though in the middle of the semester I can't wait for it to be over. It is weird. I am looking forward to summer though. Yesterday I woke up to 1/2 inch of snow on the ground and today it was almost 60 degrees and the kids were playing outside without a coat :confused: The weather changes here irritate me. After such a long winter, spring arrives and a nice day or week comes along and you are ready to pull out your pots and buy some flowers, yet, the next day it snows and you pull out the snow pants for the kids and feel like it's gonna be Christmas soon. It is really messing with my mind. I almost get that Christmas spirit back when that happens. People were wearing shorts and carpi's last week and this week there in their winter coats I hate MI weather!
On a depressing note, my good friend had some testing done b/c she has had some health issues and is having a hard time getting pregnant, and her hormone levels came back very high. Her DHEAS levels were 1590 which is very very high for where she should be, and her testosterone levels came back at 90 which is very high for her as well from what she has told me. She was referred out to an endocrinologist and also scheduled to re take the tests. The doc was talking about Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, Cushing's disease, along with tumors or cancer. Hopefully all turns out well for her, but she has had a lot of health problems and has had numerous cysts on her ovaries which she has had surgically removed. It is scary for everyone b/c you just don't know, but hopefully if it is something, it can be easily treated with medication. I will keep my fingers crossed and pray for her.
I am off to bed. Good nite!!!!
Wow, a lot has happened since my last post so I will be brief and try not to make this a novel like I am so good at doing. Well my good friend that I have talked about so many times is finally pregnant She is the one with the high hormone levels and has been trying to get pregnant for almost a year. When she has the blood work done and found out about her high hormone levels, she was actually there to get fertility counseling. I am sooo happy and excited for her and I hope all works out great for her. She definitely deserves it.
The other night I went out to dinner with my best friends ex boyfriend who is a good friend of mine. He enlisted in the army about 2 years ago. He was in Iraq for 5 months and got his leg almost blown off from enemy fire. He has been in a hospital in D.C for the last 6 months ans has had over 24 surgeries trying to repair the damages. He is still uncertain if he will actually be able to keep his leg but it looks like it might be OK. He has gone through so much and he is in so much pain, mentally and physically. He shared some stories with me and showed me about 1000 pictures of his time in Iraq. Some good, bad, sad, and horrific. My eyes were blown wide open that night. It was so unreal looking at all of those pics. I just have a totally different view on this whole war and the peoples lives that are affected. It was a very very emotional experience for me to speak with him. He went off to the army with such drive and determination. He had so many goals and dreams and just wanted to fight for his country and for the safety and security of others. Now, he is stuck with crutches, a bad leg, and a shattered life. One thing that really got to me was he said "I went over there an idealist, and I came back a realist". That coming from him just hurt me so bad in so many ways. I know that this is war, and bad things happen, but it just seems so unreal. I guess it is his emotional state that really gets me. He was so excited about his life in the army and his promising future and he really believed that this was his calling. Now, it just seems like he's screwed. He is very emotionally unstable right now. He feels alone, confused, and he's in a tremendous amount of pain all of the time. I guess that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's just so much to this whole story and I'm not getting into it all. I just feel bad for him. He is back in D.C now and had 3 more surgeries this week. I just hope everything works out for the best, and I wish he would talk to a therapist but he won't. He really really needs to but he doesn't feel comfortable talking to someone he doesn't know. I wish he would get over that b/c a few weeks ago he was talking to my friend about committing suicide. I will continue to pray for him b/c that's all I can do for now.
So, he is kinda dating, or whatever this girl which turns out to be Ed's younger cousin. What are the odds? We'll she met up with us later in the evening and proceeded to tell me how hard it must be for me to deal with Ed's parents and how bad she feels for me. She was saying that b/c apparently Ed's mom has been running me down for quite some time to the rest of the family. She was saying that they are trying to run me out and on and on. I was so mad but I didn't let her know that. She si young and was being nice to me, and I was keeping my mouth shut for the most part and being very pleasant. She brought up so much stuff, so the in-laws are trashing me left and right. She even said something about the dinners I made for them and how they were complaining about it. I was in shock. I am so pissed. I came home and told Ed everything and he was really MAD He knows that I have done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this crap and he is fed up. Today he was over at their house and his mom asked him if I could bring something for Easter dinner. He said sure and asked what they needed, then she went on and on about everything that they had and his dad said that they had enough. So his mom said, "well can she come help cook then" (yeah, b/c apparently I can't cook worth a crap according to them and it's very obvious that she hates me so what the heck would she want me there for, other than the fact that she thinks it's my wifely obligation to be there) When she said that, Ed lost it. He said he was so sick of her crap and that they were all going to have a talk b/c he is done dealing with their being so rude. He told her what his cousin said and made it very clear that he was mad. She acted like she didn't know what he was talking about but then he said she seemed nervous. I guess we'll see what happens. I am not looking forward to Easter dinner that's for sure. Another thing, what does she think I will be doing with 4 kids Easter morning, hello? Like i will have time to search for eggs, and open baskets, get all 4 kids showered and dressed, myself showered and dressed, and swing on over to her house at 11am to help cook! Give me a break. It's not like I'm just sitting around watching TV or something. UHHHHHHH :banghead: I am soooo frustrated. OK, I am done talking about them, but for the record, I hate them!
Other than that all is well. School is going good and I've decided to take a spring class. I have 2 classes teetering on an A. It's not out of reach so I hope it all works out. I guess I would be happy with a B+ i my first chem class ever, but an A would be even nicer I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, that's for sure. One thing that is killing me is I have to find all 116 elements in anything but the internet. And it has to be from this year. That is much harder than one might think. It really sucks and I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it off. I wish there were a website where I could type something in, and it would break it down and tell me every element in it. That would make my life much easier. Well I;m off for now.
Wow, again it has been a while since I've posted. I feel like I've been so busy lately, yet, I read Kris's diary and I feel like I've been doing nothing. God bless her and her family.
It's finally starting to get nice out and I entertain a lot when the weather is nice. That is one of the reasons I haven't been to mommd, along with studying for finals which are over :goodvibes: :cool: :cloud9: Ok, now that I've expressed my appreciation for the end of the school year. So I'm certain that I got all A's and I'm at that defining point in chem between an A- and a B+. I had a 89% before my final so we shall see. Other than that I am doing wedding planning stuff. It's all good and dandy until I go to bed at night and think about everything. That's when I stress. I am worried about not having enough money or not having everything organized. Ya know, the stuff brides-to-be freak out about. It is getting sooo close. We bought a tanner bed and I'm super excited. I usually tan at my friends house, but Ed's friend owns a fitness center and gave us a great deal on a bed, actually we are getting it through a business exchange
My friend who id finally pregnant is now miserable. She finally got off Paxil after 8 or so years due to the pregnancy, but she had to be put on Zoloft due to severe depression. I feel so bad for her. She used to call me crying b/c she started her period, now she is flipping out b/c she is pregnant. She has a LOT going on hormonally, chemically, and emotionally right now. I hope and pray that everything works out great for her. She is worried that she won't be a good mom and all that stuff, but I know she will.
Other than that I am just trying to get some serious spring cleaning done and yard work done before I start my spring class. Then it's serious wedding stuff and volunteering until I start my scary fall semester. I am not going to think about my scary fall semester for a month or so b/c I need a school break. I guess, a medicine break. I plan and worry so much about my future in medicine all the time, and for this minute I have to breathe, I'm gonna!
Ok, I'm off for now. I really need to post more b/c I started this to document my journey through this experience in my life and I am leaving out things that I may want to look back on. I'll be back soon!
Wow, again it feels like it's been forever since I've posted. Well I did manage to get all A's with an A- in chem I'm pretty happy about that. I've been trying to get some serious yard work and spring cleaning done, which I have, but it has been rainy and dreary all week so I haven't been nearly as productive as I would have liked. My friend who is pregnant and had high hormone levels was diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome. She is miserable. But at least now she has a diagnoses so I guess that must be a relief.
Wedding plans are going great. Were a bit over on the guest list but I know that there will people that wont be able to make it so I'm thinking that we will end up right about where we thought. We are going to meet with the travel agent tomorrow and hopefully get our honeymoon plans in full swing. Were going to Mexico, if I didn't already mention that. The florist came over the other day and WOW, I think the flowers were the hardest decision thus far. There are just sooo many choices and people and UUHHHHH!!! I had an easier time picking out my wedding gown and I probably looked at a thousand. But we ended up getting it all figured out. Half way through the process I forgot what we had chosen for the ushers and such. I'm having fun anyways. I think that throughout all of this planning and organizing, once it's all said and done, I might just be a little sad that it's over.
So I had to visit the monster-in-law today. I so didn't want to but I have to support Ed and be there for him so I obliged! After that we went to the cemetery so I could visit my mom. This mothers day was a little hard. There all hard, but this year was different. I know it's due to the fact that I am trying to deal with these days and this pain head on, instead of pushing it down and using my ever so easy coping techniques. It is much harder to feel the pain and sorrow, than to just ignore it and play on. It has been an interesting day and I have felt a little angry or resentful or bitter or uneasy or whatever. I'm not so sure what was going on, but I know I have some reflecting to do in order to sort it all out. I pretty much spent most of the day in my own world. It was weird, and I found myself becoming resentful towards Ed. I don't know but I got over it. Well, I have to get to bed b/c it is late. I'll get back soon.