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Mom of 5 making the journey.....

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13 years 5 months ago #70585 by j.lasaundra
Dear Diary,
I've had a lot to think about thhis weekend. my thoughts were on school and my tuition. I have kind of decided to go ahead with plans of taking the mcat in sept 07, and applying to med school next year. that's kind of fast for me, but why not? I will finish my prereqs this school year and of course take a year of orgo chem in the summer. at that point, i will be ready to make my application and take the mcat. i'm kind of excited yet scared. I am doing my volunteer work, and shadowing, plus I will be doing research during the school year (keeping my fingers crossed) Dr. bowers agreed that i should take the mcat and apply. he said if i didn't get in, i could always try again. I need to get prepared to work my butt off this year!...Today i finally made it to mass. I haven't been in a long time, but i knew i couldn't miss it today because Gods been too good to me. I like going to mass because it reminds me of my grandmother. she made sure i went to church every sunday and had all of my sacraments. I was a lecturer and also the president of the cyo. being there brings her closer to me and also keeps me focased. I signed up to get the kids sacraments started. well, to cap off my evening, I realized that the bank added money to my account. an old claim i made finnally paid off! just in time to put a payment on my tuition. I am so excited about that. Its like its all starting to come together for me. its almost scarry. I was bummed about not being able to put 200.00 on my tuition, since i had to pay the 200.00 for my brakes. i was starting to think that i wouldn't have my tuition paid off before school, and that i wouldn't be able to get my books in time, but God is in control! I want to put all of it towards my tuition, but i do have a couple of bills that could be paid down. cable and phone. the phone, nobody uses. with cell phones and email, the phone hardly ever rings. and cable, i think i should cut it off because school is starting, and know one will be watching it. my top priority is my tuition right now....I got some house cleaning done this weekend. I had too! it had gotten out of control! now with work all day, football practice, cooking, time is limited. i really wanted to shampoo the carpets, but i ran out of time. maybe tomorrow, or wednesday would be better. I finish my second job this week, as a chem grader for my old cc. I hate grading papers! it sucks! i only took the job because i could do it at home on my own time, and go to the summer program too. now, i go to work all day then come home and grade papers on top of everything else. i hate it! i would never do it again. this is the last of them--thank God!I've been so super busy lately, this week should be a little calmer. nothing planned accept work and dropping my son off for football practice, so hopefully i can start to destress myself....good night diary!

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13 years 5 months ago #70586 by j.lasaundra
Hello diary.i decided to switch up and write in the morning. I always feel different in the morning because its at the end of the day when the drama ends, and i can sit back and reflect. well..this morning is starting out bad. I'm having all kinds of bad thoughts about my tuition. its killing me. if i don't pay the entire 1800.00 by 10/10, then they will charge a late fee, and i won't be able to do early registration for witner. i got that extra 450.00 in my account. at first i wanted to put it all on the tuition, but then my phone and cable will be disconnected. i have no problem with the phone, but i can't survive without my internet. so, pay the internet bill--but do i really need it? i could use the computer at work and school. i wish i didn't have to make these type of decisions. kids dad is not being supportive at all. no one is. its times like this that i wonder if going to the university is really worth it--going to med school really worth it?? i'm working so hard, and i don't see anything really changing. i don't like not being able to take care of my stuff financially. it makes me uncomfortable. and the kids start school in a couple of weeks. i have to buy school uniforms and backpacks, shoes, ect...for all 4 of them. I just know that i'm not going to make the deadline. I keep thinking, maybe i should just stay at cc for one more quarter, or finish the year there. i know what the dean said about cc classes, but still...they would cover my tuition and books. i could pay all my bills and get the things i need with what i have left. it would be so much easier :guilty: ....it would be so much easier if i just changed my major to accounting or finance. i could go back to work and take online classes. now that would be easier. why is everything about becoming a doctor so hard?? I don't know, and i could be getting ahead of myself. God has been with me all of this time, he's made ways for me when there was no way. I guess i need to get on my knees and pray before i fall completely apart. I can get through this. for now, i'm just going to keep coming to my little workstudy job, and keep paying on my tuition. that's all i can do; Pray that God will continue to do the rest! :)

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13 years 5 months ago #70587 by j.lasaundra
Diary,
I am so happy to report that everything worked out yesterday. I made the decision to stop the cable and land line phone. the tv's work just fine without it, and I got a new cell phone with a great and affordable plan. I also use the computer at work to cut out the dsl bill. I'm putting the rest of the money on my tuition and taking the kids to get there school stuff next weekend. I feel so much better now. I knew God would help me out. I'm so glad I know him! I even went to bed earlier last night. I have a hard time sleeping for about the past 4 monthes or so. I've been staying awake until after midnight, just unable to sleep, then waking up at 6am and starting my day, tired. I think its just anxiety. Anxiety about being able to keep this thing up. school, studying, even in the summer program, we had so much work to do--i'm trying to change my bad habits. I went to bed about 11:15 ish, I clean up around the house more often and I try to make it to places on time--no excuses. I'm really bad at that last one. the team mom thing is getting better. that crazy lady is off of my back now--thank God. the other parents are much nicer now, and my sons happy. although, he, the oldest, is the most aggravating kid i have. this morning, he cried because i told him he couldn't have 25.00 for a new hat. the school was taking the kids to the mall after they went to the movies. It wasn't because i didn't have the extra money to spare, it was because i have spent tons of money on hats for him that he's cried for in the past, and he can't show me one of them now. He doesn't take care of his stuff. When he starts to show that he can take care of what i buy him, i'll be happy to give him money for a new hat. then, i look under his sweater and find out that he's wearing his team jersey to camp! he knows better!! his brand new game jersey!! i just wanted to clock him when i saw that. he really knows how to push my buttons. my other son didn't even want anything from the mall. he was happy with the 10.00 i gave him. My oldest,9, thinks that if he just cries he can get what he wants. I'm trying to help him understand that in the real world, it doesn't work that way. I wanted to, and did cry about my financial aid, they didn't give me more money. i have to work for money to pay my tuition. I will do my best to teach this kid about reality! til next time!!

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13 years 5 months ago #70588 by j.lasaundra
well diary....as my luck would have it, yesterday didn't go too smooth. As i left work at lunch to go to my school and pay on my tuition, i checked my phone messages. my doctor called and told me that they found abnormal cells on my cervix. :eek: I'm scared! they could be cancerous! I know i'm jumping the gun, but I don't want to die young!! there's no cure for cancer!!! I freaked out most of yesterday! My kids dad is going to go with me next week when they do a colonoscopy to see what's going on. I'm glad, because i need some support. I just delivered a baby in October. I got a pap in December. I don't understand why i'm having this now. Ironically, my little sister has the same thing. today she had a LEEP done to remove the tissue. She's a little shaken up still. now she has to wait a week for the results to come back. I hate all this waiting! My appointment is not until Wednesday, so i'll have to wait, then wait again for the results, its crazy!! I went to the school to pay on my tuition, but they wouldn't let me. i guess you can't pay until the charges have been placed on your account. she looked at me like i was crazy because i wanted to pay ahead even though it wasn't due until 10/10. well, on 10/10, i don't want to not have it all and be looking stupid! I decided just to go ahead and buy my books and the kids school stuff, then wait until 9/1 so I can make a large payment on my account. my goal, is to be ready by the time school starts!...I ended up changing my mind again, and wanting to put the kids in public school to avoid having to pay thier tuition and mines, so i called the public school to make sure that they were on the roster. turns out THEY'RE NOT! because they were the last kids to registar and the school is now overloaded, they will (may) end up getting bused to another school. THANKS! I guess i'll be coughing up thier tuition money too. I don't want them bussed anywhere. my schedule doesn't allow for it. My schedule just barely fits with this public school. My oldest is not going to be happy to hear that he's going back to private school. I'll wait until this weekend after his football Jamboree, to share this news! til tomorrow---hope nothing else crazy happens!

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13 years 5 months ago #70589 by j.lasaundra
Dear diary....I survived another day. just barely. I had a melt down yesterday. i had many panic attacks too. I just became overwhelmed because i realized that for one, the chem night class is not going to work. its just not. I need to be in the day class, but it has a waitlist of 8 people on it. that doesn't seem like many people, but i've never been to this school before, i don't know if they take some overflow or what! I then freaked out because i realized that the kids would have to go to public school, so i needed to buy school clothes :eek: that's a lot of money :eek: ! I had to end up taking a long drive and a nice walk through walmart. thier dad and i had a good talk when i got back. and after a good nights rest, i have come to the conclusion that they will stay in private school and that chem teacher will have to let me into his day class, or i'll have to take chem at my local community college with my not so favorite chem teacher. yes, he will eat me alive, that's why i'm praying that the teacher at my university will let me in to his class. I pay nearly 25 thousand dollars a year, he better let me in (not that i'm entitled--but come on!) Now that i had time to think, i feel better. all i have to do is get thier uniforms, shoes, backpacks, and school supplies. much less stressful. I plan to shampoo the carpets and shop today while the kids are with my sister at a party. I want to try hard to get the house in order before school starts because there will be no time then. I have to admit, shopping at the mall is hard for me now. Not being able to buy things that I like or want, but sticking to just the things i need. its a good lesson, i know, but its still hard! I think i need to stop getting myself so upset all the time. i got all roughed up over the kids changing schools, and it wasn't a need for it. they are staying at the same school. I got upset over the shopping money, and look, the kids got what they needed and they are happy. i don't want to end up giving myself a heart attack. i'm going to pray more. for peace within myself as i move closer to applying to medical school and closer to fulfilling my dreams. the kids are fine! i need to get that through my head! The devils trying to distract me with worries of money and other things that i can't control. I need to stand stronger. the colonoscopy that is comming up this wednesday is also in my thoughts. What if I have cancer!! I can't help but think about it. I just can't do anything about it. they will do thier procedure, then send it to the lab, and maybe a week later, the doc will see if i'm ok or if i'll need to have something else done. I'm just really glad i went to the doctor when i did. the whole time, i kept thinking to myself that there was a reason that i took off from work and decided to go that day. i had all kinds of problems with the insurance and i almost walked out of the office before being seen. thank God i didnt! It just goes to show. there'll be a huge stone in your way, you have to get over it to see what's on the other side. I pray that God has mercy on me during this whole thing. I've never been sick before and i've never had any procedures done on me, so if anyone is reading this entry, please pray for me and my family :grouphug:

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13 years 4 months ago #70590 by j.lasaundra
well diary...this week is starting to be a ok one. The kids are out of school and daycare for the entire week. thier dad is watching them until wednesday, then I'll have to call in sick or something, because i don't have a babysitter after that. An old teacher from thier school is watching kids at her home for a reasonable price, i may send them there Thursday and Friday.
Monday, i thought sure it was going to be a bad day. it started out bad. thier dad didn't get to my house until after 10am, i was supposed to be to work at 9am. Its an 1.5 hour drive there, so when i got there, it was lunch time. I was sure that I was going to get fired! fired from a workstudy job. thats pathetic. then, i received a bill from a university that i signed up to take a summer class at, but didn't go because of smdep. a 1300.00 bill for a class i didn't take??? I couldn't understand why I wasn't dropped, they sent me a letter prior stating that I would be dropped since i didn't pay. well, now the lady is telling me that i have to pay them 25.00 to process a drop form or else i'll owe the 1300.00 :no: That sucks! I don't have any extra money for this mess!! I guess it was my fault, but I let her and her manager know how I felt about that stupid 25.00 they wanted!

After I got to work, i mellowed out. then when i got home, thier dad had dinner cooked, so for the first time in monthes, I got to do nothing except play with my baby boy, and watch tv. It felt good. Only thing is I didn't go to sleep until midnight, woke up at 2:30am, and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I like it when he helps out, but he does it just to try to show me that he can do my job and his job, and still do it better than me, no big deal!! whatever!!

I've been feeling down because of the Katrina Anniversary. It made me think of my family, New Orleans, and of course, My grandma! It was last year this time when i spoke to her over the phone, making sure she was out of New Orleans and safe. I miss her so much. I called my older sister still there, and we talked for a while about New Orleans, and the progress or lack there of, we talked about school and about us doing something meaningful in our lives that would make Ma-Ma proud. She told me that an old boyfriend asked about me. I felt all giggly inside. I was glad he was ok--post katrina--and I was glad to hear that he was thinking of me. kids dad never has any kind words for me. to him, all i am is the woman who could bankrupt him if i ever put him on childsupport. It felt good to know that a dear friend just thought of me period. Katrina devasted my family and the city that I love, however, I still plan to apply to both LSU and Tulane med school. I want to go home and live in my city again!

Tomorrow is the colonoscopy! I'm a little nervous, but hopeful that things will turn out ok. I'll write about it tomorrow....

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