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The grasshopper becomes the Master...someday. 20 something wife and mom pursuing Medi

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13 years 5 months ago #70879 by grasshopper
Wow...strange how i stumbled into this diary and blog section of mommd. I have just been thinking about starting a diary. I hate to say this but I have been hesitating to put anything on paper because of my husband. Not that he is nosey or anything, but he has no idea that i want to get into medicine. Its great to have something "private"...although many many strangers may read this. Nevertheless, sometimes it is easier to share our deepest desires with strangers than your closest friends and family. My parents dont know I am thinking about Medicine either. I am afraid of the judgement and critisizim. I am the only one in my family to even GO to college let alone get into Med school. What would they say? "I'm so proud of you!", "Do you realize how long it will take you or how hard it's going to be?!" Hopefully its not the latter.

I always have this little voice in the back of my head. It always seems to be saying "What are you thinking?!" Usually i just tell it to shut up becuase I am pursuing something I desire and deeply enjoy and I KNOW i am capable. But I think these same words are going to hit me a lot harder when they are spoken by a loved one. Although I try to be strong and independent, sometimes i also need to seek the aproval of my family. Honestly, my 8 year old son is the only one that knows what i want to do! And he gives me nothing but incouragement. Which is exactly what i need if i am going to do this, not judgement.

Well I suppose I should put a few things in here about myself...like my name, Cassie. :D I live in Alaska where I was born and raised. I have seen the outside world, don't worry. My husband, Jeromie, son, Joey, and I all moved to Denver for 4 years. This is where I started at a community college. Jeromie is in the Air Force. We met while he was stationed in Alaska, then moved to Denver, and made our way back up here in Jan 2005.

I am still getting my general classes out of the way. I am going only part-time at the University of Alaska, Anchorage, and am hoping to time Med school right with my son's age. I am hoping to get accepted to Med school when he is in High School. After all, I don't want to miss out on my son growing up. I should be able to take my first year of Med school at UAA. At least if I get accepted into the WWAMI Program. It includes some states (Wyoming, Washington, Alaska, Montana, and Iowa) that don't have med schools, except Washington, which hosts this program. Each state gets around 20 spots in the UW School of Medicine. Not only do we get RESIDENT tuition at UW, but also get to do our first year of school in our home state! this would be so great! I am determined to get one of those spots!

Thats it for today...my fingers hurt. I welcome anyone to email me or respond to my diary. I would love to hear SOMEONE's feedback!

Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...

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13 years 5 months ago #70880 by grasshopper
I guess its been a while since my last entry. It seems to be harder than I thought to write (type) in a diary! every time I go to post something, my mind races with thoughts! I cant seem to gather information fast enuph to type! I guess not much has happened since last time. I still haven't told anyone (except for the countless people here!) about my goals. Thought I think I know what my problem is...As my husband says, I have an issue with confrontation. Maybe its from not being "quick on my feet", like whenever I get into an argument, I can never think of what to say until the conversation is over. It drived me crazy...i think thats why my hubby always wins! I just get stumped! Anyway, back to the confrontation thing. I guess I just don't like to fight. I don't know. Sometimes (or all the time) i just don't want to argue. So I just don't bring it up at all. I figure what good is it going to do to say anything about it at all? Its just going to bring out negativity, and I am just not a negative person. But i know what I should do: I should be totaly upfront and honest with him. Maybe he will be supportive, maybe he'll be nothing but encouraging. I want nothing more but for him to cheer me on in my journey.

I have certainly come close to telling my mom though. I think I did tell her that I was thinking about medicine...although the conversation never went anywhere. Actually, I'm not sure she even heard me...

I keep praying about this whole situation. I like to see myself as a spiritual person, but I have to be honest with myself...I have been a little distant from God lately. Maybe its that whole confrontation thing again...Although I'm not sure I can avoid Him very long....Thats almost humerous.

This blog is such a great place to vent. I love it!

School is going good. Although I'm only taking two classes this semester. I haven't taken any for the past year, so i figured i should start a bit slow. Next semester I think I'll up the anty to 3 (Oooo!). I was really excited about taking Chemistry, although they canceled the Lab for it, and now all i'm left with is the lecture---its torture! My instructor is so dry...all he does is write on the white board, then step back and read what he just wrote, then writes some more, on and on. Like a 3 hour cycle! Draining...

Then there is Math. Its the class before college level Algebra. I really like math, but it is a real challenge when you just don't understand something and don't have a good teacher. I acctually failed this class once before about a year ago for that very reason. This teacher is ok though...actually helpful.

I guess thats all i've got for now. I've got some studing to do...Soooooo....

UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...

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13 years 5 months ago #70881 by grasshopper
LAST TIME IN GRASSHOPPERS DIARY...

Cassie did nothing but complain about her husband and her whopping 2 prereq college classes--that are NOT to be compared to the shear torment she’s gonna go through in Med school!

AND SO THE SAGA CONTINUES:

Wow. Is that all I've been doing? Well, in light of recent events, I think I am ready to talk more about my personal life...after all, this is MY diary!

Yesterday my son found out that his Dad is not his real Father. I knew the truth would come out eventually. I guess God thought it was time.

Here is a little bit (or a lot) of background:

I got pregnant with Joey when I was 14. I know…14. That’s young! It’s astonishing for even ME to think about it! I barely even had my period! I had no business having sex….anyway, getting kind of off track. So I ended up giving birth when I was 15. The father was there for the birth, and had seen Joey every great once in a while, pretty much when ever he felt like it, which wasn’t very often. The state had to forcibly take away child support owed when the Permanent Fund Dividend (that chunk of change every Alaskan resident receives once a year from oil/tourism profits) came out. So we might get $200-$300 per year, if that, for child support. I met Jeromie (my hubby) when Joey was about 10-11 months old (married him a year later, and been with him ever since.) One day, when I picked Joey up from his Grandmothers house (he was about 18 mo old), I found a loaded pipe and lighter on the floor of their living room, where Joey just happened to be at the time. (you see, pot is very common in Alaska. Some people find it acceptable, much like cigarettes) She saw me see the pipe and attempted to hide it…which was stupid because I had already seen it! So I took Joey and left.

That was the last straw and the last time he or his family saw Joey. We moved to Denver just over a year after that incident. After 4 years in Denver, we moved back to Alaska. And, oh, about 1 month after we got back, I get a phone call from his father saying they want to see him. I’m like “hell no!” Now, we NEVER heard from them for nearly 5 years and all of the sudden, since it’s convenient, they want to be a part of my 6 year olds life. Joey has absolutely no clue who these people are. (Not to mention these are the bottom of the barrel people: have no job, welfare, drugs, criminal record kind of people) We’ve had no sane reason for telling him about this “other family.” The way I always saw it was why would I tell him about them? They obviously didn’t want much to do with him (considering for 5 yrs we never received a b-day/x-mas card from anyone in that family, not even his bio-dad). This is something that would only cause him pain. His bio-dad was considered just that: a sperm donor. Joey has a REAL Dad, a dad who has been with him for nearly his entire life; a dad who has been there to teach him football, to wrestle with him, to cheer him up when he is down, and to teach him. Jeromie IS his dad.

In my experience, there are two types of fathers: a father that gives the child life, and a father who raises the child.

So I didn’t hear from these people again for over a year, again, until Joey started Pop-Warner football this season. Unfortunately, Joey’s bio-Aunt’s son (which would be a cousin, I guess) plays on a younger division, but same team. I saw her at a game, but chose to ignore her since I knew it would only lead to a confrontation, and we were at my childs football game. But, alas, she approached me. I told her “this is neither the time nor the place to have this discussion.” But she persisted, and ended up calling me a liar and practically a bad mother for not telling my son the truth. Call me a liar all you want, but she had no right to call me a bad mother. Last time I checked, I am Joey’s mom, not her, so it is my decision how/when to tell him. That got me hot…I had to walk away. I’m sure people were staring, but I was blinded by RAGE and didn’t even notice. Anyway, it turns out this bio-dad has 2 other children-which would be, technically, Joey’s half-brother and sister. And I guess the bio-aunt has custody of one of these children-the sister- AND she is a cheerleader for Joey’s team! I’m thinking what am I going to do? I don’t want this woman influencing MY decision of how/why/when to tell my son about this. Should I pull him out of football? Should we move again?

Jeromie and I both struggled with this, but decided that we weren’t going to let these people affect our lives. We would just live our life in the same small town (population 30,000) regardless what she threatened.

This is what we did, for a while. Going to his games, and at nearly every one, having some kind of confrontation or another. Mostly, the bio-aunt kept sending Joey’s bio-half-sister over to talk to him…and not just talk. She actually told her to say, “I’m your sister.” This just pissed me off! Excuse my language, but what nerve! She had no right to do that…obviously she is not thinking this through and how this is going to affect the little girl and Joey. Joey thought this little girl was crazy! He just kept walking away from her. But, just about every game she would approach him. We told Joey that the woman (his bio-aunt) was crazy and to stay away from her no matter what she said to him.

I’m nearing the end of my story now, so hang in there…

So it came down to it yesterday, after a series of events, to call the police and get escorted from the game to my vehicle. The cops totally scared them away! The bio-aunt and her boyfriend that is. I’m sorry, but you don’t leave a scene when the police are summoned unless you are doing something wrong.

Anyway, long story short :rotfl: We told Joey just about everything: about his biological father, this family. And he truly took it well! I was so happy! At the end of the conversation he looked at Jeromie and said, “You’re my real dad!” and gave him a big hug….

I know he is going to have many questions in the future, and I have promised to truthfully tell him what I know, but for now, while he is young, I will not let those people have anything to do with him. When Joey is older and much, much more mature (like late teens), he can decide whether or not to contact them. But for now it is up to me. I am his mother and it is my job to protect him.

If you stayed and read the ENTIRE story, thank you! It was getting so long, I was ready to leave…

Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...

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13 years 5 months ago #70882 by grasshopper
Yesterday, when driving back from a meeting with my pre-med advisor, I was pondering about how long and hard of a road I have ahead of me. It was such a beautiful fall day, and the mountains looked magnificent. I saw this small mountain that was a ½ mile away in front of me, and I couldn’t help but thinking about my journey in life: That mountain looks pretty steep, but I want to climb it anyway…could you imagine the view from the top? That’s is just like life. A hard, rocky, and steep trail. Even though the trail is long, steep, and so rough you just might want to stop and turn back along the way, we press on. We make it through the hard stuff, and when we make it to the top, we can look back and say, “Wow, I just climbed that.” or just admire the view. Look what we’ve just accomplished. I don’t want to have any regrets in life. I want to look back and know that I gave it my all…that I saw that stunning view. What about that saying, ‘It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.’ I find that a bit discouraging when the journey is hard. It is the destination that makes the journey worthwhile. Just like raising kids. Its not easy raising a child…all the messy diapers, discipline, teaching…but when you see that child all grown up and independent, someone that you made, someone that you brought into this world, someone you can be so proud of. This is what makes it all worthwhile.

straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 3: 4b-14)

Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...

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13 years 5 months ago #70883 by grasshopper
I guess I should have posted this before the last one, but I had something of a revelation that day and just had to get it down on paper, so to speak…

So my trip into Anchorage to see a pre-med advisor for the first time was great! This guy was so very helpful and I found out so much more information about the WWAMI program that I couldn’t find online. For instance, I am able to do my 1st year of med school at UAA and my 3rd and 4th year clinical rotations as well! The only time I would have to leave AK would be for 2nd year! That I can handle, just one year. I was so afraid to tell my hubby about my thoughts on med school because I was under the impression I would either spend 3 years away from my family or we would all have to move to Washington for 3 years, hopefully the latter, which I know he wouldn’t want to do. Now that its down to only ONE, I feel much more confident about sharing it with him.

I decided to tell my mother the other day. She took it pretty well. At first she gave me this look like I was going crazy or something. Then I started to explain the WWAMI program to her and that it wouldn’t be for some time. She started to come around after that, and said she thought it was great! She seemed truly excited and happy for me. I advised her not to tell my dad or anyone else for that matter, and that Jeromie knows nothing about this yet. She thinks I should share it with him. Duh. I know that. I’ve still been hinting at things though. Like I said I was thinking of going more towards biology in my degree because of the things I can do with it…and I find it very interesting.

I feel like I am having an affair with MomMD! Every time Jeromie comes around when I’m on it, I close it out really quick! Like I am trying to hide it! Which I guess I am. It may be easier if I let him see me on it. When he says, “What’s that?” I could just say “I am doing some investigating”…and let him put 1 and 1 together on his own.

Back to the appointment with the advisor: He also gave me some excellent references for shadowing/volunteering. There are 3 private hospitals in Anchorage, and one VA on the Elmendorf AF base. I told him that it would be nice to do some on base since that is the hospital I go to and one I am most familiar with. He said he actually knows some one at that hospital who is actually seeking out people interested in scrubbing in on some surgeries! WOW! I couldn’t contain my excitement…I was grinning ear to ear! He also told me how to get in on some other volunteering in the ER. He suggested going up to the personnel office in any hospital and tell them I am pre-med and looking to volunteer in the ER and get some patient contact experience. Before all I could find where jobs pushing papers…no patient contact. I am so HAPPY! He even said he would be “happy to write a letter of recommendation for me, when the time comes. I’m thinking, you just met me and you want to RECOMMEND me? But, of course, I didn’t tell him that! I will graciously except a letter of recommendation.

I guess that’s all for today…I just had to get all that excitement out! Feels good….

Until next time!

Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...

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13 years 4 months ago #70884 by grasshopper
Guess it’s been a while since my last post. I bit has happened since then. I finally told Jeromie. Boy that was nerve racking! Honestly, he took it better than I thought he would. Just as I thought, he looked at me as if I was insane; what was I thinking. What I pretty much got out of our conversation was that he would support me, if that is something I truly wished to do, but for now he is just dismissing the whole thing as a “phase.” I told him that I am not completely positive on going to med school, and that I need to do some shadowing before I confirm my medical career. What if I pass out in the OR? I’ve certainly heard of students doing that. I wonder how many doctors passed out during there first experience of surgery…? Anyway, he also said “why wouldn’t you just choose a profession that is easily attainable, and less of a pain in the ass?” I told him it’s not a pain if you enjoy doing it and have a passion for it.

I am glad I finally told him, but really don’t feel the need to share much more with him considering his reaction. I guess all I really wanted to know is if he would stay with me, I guess, and support me. Just be there for me. That’s all I want.

I feel like I need some encouragement lately. So I did a forum search on a good book to read. Found ‘On Call: A Doctors Days and Nights in Residency.’ Looks like it got some good reviews. I think the Dr I am supposed to shadow is ignoring me. I sent him an email last week and no one has contacted me about it. Maybe I’m just being impatient. I was just so excited to shadow him—even scrub in on a surgery! I am still excited! I keep telling myself that if I am meant to be a Doctor, than I will be! It’s that simple! If it’s not meant to be, I guess it won’t work out. That kind of casual talk some times sets my mind at ease when I start to worry if this is right for me, but right now it’s just pissing me off. I know if I want it I have to work for it. Hard. It’s not just going to appear out of nowhere. I’m gonna take it up a notch and really strive. When I started my business, I had A LOT of deja vu. And that made me feel it was meant to be—that I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was doing at that very moment. That was really encouraging. I seem to recall these deja vu experiences as dreams I have had in the past. Of course, I’m not positive what they are! I started having some about medicine, and now am starting to feel better about my journey. The doctor will call. And if he doesn’t, I’ll just have to find someone else to shadow.

I better study…I have a math exam to makeup, and it has to be by today, or it will be counted late! And we don’t want that, do we!

Thanks for reading my blog...

Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...

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