It certainly has been a while since my last post. I just got done reading the post by DrJay in "Here I am again." Reading a post like that I really try not to take it so negativly. Those are some excellent points, and need to be considered.
Often I think about my reasons for becoming a Dr. There are many: "fixing" a human being that is broken, saving a life, contributing to society and to others in need, learning and knowing about Gods greatest creation, witnessing a body heal, accomplishment, pride, money, problem solving, learning.
I've tryed to put those in order, first to last reason, but they all apply.
But, is all of this really worth it? All of the sacrifices to be made? I honestly can't answer that question. I don't know. But I do know that it is something I will regret for the rest of my life if I don't TRY and answer that question. Whatever the conclusion.
You really do have to think and cosider if all of those things are worth the sacrifices. This is serious and an enormous comitment. And I think if I have to deal with that debt, that will be hard. Especialy if it doesn't work out in the end. Coming back to the money thing, I am considering more and more about joining the Air Force so that they pay for my schooling, and help with expences. Hearing Dr's talk about their burden of debt...I think this is one reason why the stay in practice, because nothing else they do will make them the money needed to make those monthly payments. But then again, as a surgeon, I'm sure they make plenty of $$ to pay for the loans. Although I am considering surgery, not for the money, but becuase I love to "tinker" with thinks, I am highly mechanicly inclined--I get that from my dad--I feel as if I could take someone apart, then put them back together...as weird as that sounds. I think one of the main reasons for me to pursue medicine is becuase I have always been facinated with the way things work, and lets face it, the human body is the ultimate machine. Just the thought of what God has made and to be able to fix such a thing...it brings me closer to God...its great!
One thing I have found is so, for lack of a better word, awesome is studing Astronomy then microbiology. They are so opposite, but yet equaly fasinating. Seeing the size perspective of both worlds--they are both beyond human comprehension, almost. It just puts me in awe of God's work. In one word: WOW
I know this post was kinda all over the place...but I've been feeling guilty about not writing in my journal and needed the vent.
I haven't got PM in a while... So if anyone wants to, please do! I welcome all sorts of critisism!
And I know some of it is spelled wrong...I chose not to spell check...
Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...
I sure hope to get the amount of entries that TexasRose has in her diary! I'm working on it...so here is my story:
I had an awesome day yesterday…but my good mood seems to be affected by my business. I am just ready to throw in the towel! Quit! Give up! Whatever you’d like to call it. I haven’t discussed this before, but I recently opened my own business, in February, up here in AK. I really wanted to do this because it was so hard to find a job that was flexible enough for my family. At the time my hubby worked weird shifts on base, like 3 days on 3 days off, 2 weeks days 2 weeks nights. It was crazy. And especially hard on my Joey. I’ve always thought kids needed a regular schedule. Well he seems to get that now…back to my subject. My business seems to be suffering greatly. The monies are just dwindling away. We took out a home equity loan on our house to open the business. But ever since we’ve been in business, our cash flow has not been too great. Now that the holidays are coming I am having a hard time keeping stocked—the items I carry are 30-60 bucks a pop…and that is my cost! Which I turn around and sell for only 10-15% more…That is why we are suffering. But I am unable to jack up the prices due to retail prices and other local businesses selling the same thing. I don’t want to give away too many details about my business…since this diary is available to the WORLD!
Anyway...lets talk about something a bit more positive. About my day yesterday, I FINALLY got to meet that doctor! It was great. He was so very kind and helpful. I was really worried before meeting him that it would be awkward or I would be incredibly nervous—which I was—but he was so nice, it just put me at ease and I was able to talk normal, with out making myself look like a fool all nervous and stuff! Let me start out by saying he is a surgeon—something I am so very interested in—and I am guessing he is in his mid 30’s. He is in general surgery at the hospital on base. When I sat down in his office, he asked about me. I told him all the good stuff about my life…married to a tech in the airforce…originally from Alaska…have a son…my plans for med school—if this is what I choose…and how I am most interested in surgery—right now anyway! After I mention surgery, he goes on about a warning of the surgical residency. Pretty much about how brutal it was…”the 5 years were pretty, um, shi**y,” he says. But he looks like he gets along with everyone, and seems to really enjoy his work. This is important to me since I am shadowing him and all. I really don’t want to follow someone all day that is totally bitter about their job.
He asks me what I would like to do…I’m thinking “scrub in”!! But I got there at 3:30 in the afternoon and pretty much all the surgeries where done for the day…and all the outpatients had gone home already. There really wasn’t much going on…and he explained that to me. He asked to show me a CT of a woman with a very large tumor on the lining of her stomach. It was kind of cool the way he explained how the CT works: it’s like having someone standing in front of you, and you push them over, and say they just fall flat on their back. So your looking up at them from their feet on…if it isn’t bad enough you just pushed this person over, you would proceed to “hack” them up into thin slices…and that is what you are looking at. That definitely put it in perspective…
After the CT, he offered to take me on a little tour of the hospital (ICU, OR), I told him I would love too, considering I have only seen the patient side of the hospital. He took me around the ICU, there was only one patient there…he took me somewhere else too, but I’m not sure what it was called. It just seemed like an observation ward or something. There were a couple of patients there, lots of staff I got to meet as well. Dr. McNice (lets just call him that for confidentiality reasons—and I know what your thinking…I’ve been watching way too much Grey’s Anatomy…and perhaps you’re right, but that’s all I could think of!) kept introducing me as “Cassandra, a college student from UAA interested in medicine.” He sounded like a broken record every time we ran into someone. I met this nurse—now keep in mind I am at a base hospital, so most of the people who work here are military, NOT that that is a bad thing, cause it is totally not!—she was a hoot. She just kept going on and on about how not to be a nurse and that being a doctor is much better because “being a doctor sucks at first [being new I suppose she meant], but it gets much better. But being a nurse just sucks. It doesn’t get any better.” OK then. This is what I’m talking about when I say I don’t want to shadow someone whom is bitter.
There was this guy, he looked very old, 80-90 most likely, and he kept yelling—more like moaning—at the nurse assistant who was just trying to take his blood pressure. The Nurse was just watching him and said this was “like a nursing home.”
Dr. McNice gets a page…then uses the phone. He says he’s gonna have to cut this visit short to speak to the head of surgery who just paged him. But he was willing to spend a little more time with me. So he took me to the post-anesthesia area. There was one guy left there, recouping from his surgery. I don’t know any other way to explain this but this guy look like crap! Now I am sure people don’t look good coming out of surgery, but he looked like—this is going to sound really strange—a dummy. I had to do a double take. His skin tone was such a strange color…like a manikin, or a deadman. It was quite strange…at least to me.
Now on to the exciting part: Dr. McNice told me that he was going TDY (leaving to another base) for about 3 months, so his last day of surgery would be Nov 7. He proceeded to ask if I would like to come in at 7:30 am to scrub in on some of them. OMGosh!!!!! I was so thrilled!! He started telling me about some of the stuff he had scheduled that day…like a (not sure of the medical term) catheter he is going to place in someone’s heart so they can undergo some kind of chemotherapy. McNice explained the procedure to me…but I just couldn’t contain my excitement. I started almost snickering and had this huge grin on my face as he was explaining! I looked like a fool! I told him “I’m sorry, I’m just really giddy!” He laughed.
I still can’t believe I am going to be scrubbing in on a surgery this Tuesday! Wow. Just wow. This is awesome….
I feel much better now…this venting and getting it all out on “paper” has set my mind at ease. I know everything will work out for my business in the end. We plan on selling in a couple of years anyway, and if we had to, we could sell everything and pay off our loan now. This (my business) is definitely NOT what I want to do for the rest of my life. But I just may be able to answer that every prying question come Tuesday…
Wish me luck! :crossfingers:
Cassie<br /><br />Surgery?! What the hell am I thinking...