So I took two years off in medical school - one for each of my kids because I thought they deserved it. Hubby wasn't going to be a SAHD (he's an OB/GYNE) just started practicing. Now I'm probably dangerous on the wards - internal medicine is killing me. I'm trying to get back up to speed but am completely overwhelmed and can't keep up the pace or on anything. Our team has been short staffed for a couple weeks - clinical associate off sick and for a while one of the residents and things have been slipping through the cracks. I really don't feel like anyone is actually making sure that I don't mess up and kill someone. I lost my first patient the other weekend - the resident didn't seem to concerned when he saw him before I went home, nor did the staff seem concerned enough to come look at him either... now he's dead. Another patient who is not getting better is just too complicated for me, and my staff follows her as an out patient... so he should know her right? but no one has the time to actually sit down and go through her and actually figure out what is going on. I'm trying but new things keep coming up. And the resident keeps dumping extra patients on me because he's overwhelmed without the clinical associate. I really don't know what to do, just when I think I know what is going on i get totally overwhelmed. I don't know what is important or not, and the staff isn't asking any questions, and usually dismisses anything I tell him about this patient... I'm totally freaking out though and hate medicine - because I don't have a clue...
A year and a half later - many ups and downs and a lot of other stuff... I can confidently say if I knew then what I knew now I would not have done this to myself or my family. I clearly don't have the ego for this.
What kills me each day is how far I am from achieving anywhere near my potential. I just can't keep up with the studying, the reading, the time management, and most of all the emotional reserves. Trying to manage two kids, marriage, building a house and my suicidal alcoholic father's drowning in the middle of my medicine rotation - well I'm a total disaster as you can imagine. I'm so burned out that I would just like to throw in the towel and give up and quit.
I dread being an intern next year - I would rather just get pregnant again and delay the inevitable for another year.
Changing classes twice made me feel like a class of 1. It's impossible to make friends in a med school class on a template that is different than everyone else's. So you meet a bunch of people from the class for a week or two and then they switch again. Then you don't even meet the other half of the class. You have no one to study with, no one to talk to about the stress, and no one to even just hang out with who has some inkling of what it is like. It's not that anyone is intentionally leaving you out, but you're never in on any lists for mailouts - you find out about grad week events by chance. You have no time for socializing anyways because you're breast feeding in the parking lot or pumping in the dictation room or scrambling to get to daycare to get the kids because your husband is on call. Add to that that i'm a bit older and I really don't head down town to drink on Fridays anymore and really how much in common do I have with anyone.
And don't get me started on the how hard the non-mom female staff are to get along with - it was as if I was there to be tortured. Worse than the male staff whose wives manage the rest of their lives (or as one said "have the right jobs for a doctor's wife").
Anyways ranting now because I got all choked up in the OR Today because the staff wanted to play cash cab (answer questions until I get so many wrong and have to leave) and I hadn't prepared so well because I had the kids last night (hubby was on call) and had a migraine and went to bed with text books - actually let the kids watch curious george (they never watch tv). Which brought me back to how I'm a disaster and then thinking about Dad being gone - and when you're tired and burned out it's just so easy to cry - but doing that around Urologists... hmmm... during a cystectomy with a ureter to ileal conduit urinary diversion... probably not the best time to loose your monkey balls.
And then I'm upset because our family medicine program is so family unfriendly that I just couldn't handle going there. The program has pretty much said there is nothing they will do to accommodate residents with families and that's the deal - suck it up. Great attitude, I'd do a ridiculous amount of hard call to see my kids every day at least instead of having my family separated for 12-18 months of my residency and try to figure out child care and family friendly accommodations on the fly all the time. Ridiculous.
There was nothing left for my kids when I got home after a full day on my family rotation - not that there is on most days anyways - but less because it was so much giving (not medicine but social issues). I guess I'm justifying my 180 deg change from Family medicine /Psychiatry to pathology. Amazing what a little extra life stress can make you appreciate.