I am a frequent reader and decided to chronicle my journey. I am in my second year of medical school. I have a test in about a week and a half. I have my boards coming up and I am stressed beyond relief. My young years have been spent on a chair and I have slowly been isolating myself. I have moments where I rejoin school but for the most part I want this year to be over. My boyfriend is not in medical school which makes the support different than what I expected. We both have to work on supporting each other in our respective fields. I am hopeful we can do this. I am know I am feeling this way because I have very little support from my classmates and family. The school portion is where I needed it the most. I have had jobs before so I know I need support less in the situation. When I am working, I find support after the day is over. I just have to get through these next few months and keep my head faced forward. I have many thoughts working against me and find very little to push me through. It is almost there and I have to keep repeating it will be different in my rotations. I was not much of a book learner in college and high school. I was naturally smart. This constant test taking is against my style and nature. If I did not have the memory I had, my grades would be very different! Only a few more months and a change of environment will come. I will not make the same mistakes I did in this medical school environment. I let my emotions get the best of me and now they have taken over. I cannot hide them. They are real and there. I have no disguise. I have to go to class and pretend that the awkwardness that surrounds me is perfectly ok. One advice: never ruin your environment because it will ruin you.
The dreaded test came and went. I do not know how I did. I feel more relieved it is over. It is funny how claustrophobic medical school feels at times. I am almost done with my second year so I guess this means more elbow room in my third year! I know it will get harder but I hate feeling trapped doing the same thing over and over. I want to be able to walk around at least every half hour. I have been thinking about what I want to do in terms of specialty. I have a few ideas in mind. It seems in medicine you have to know the material before you learn it and you have to choose a specialty before you rotate. There is little room for true exploration because before the middle of third year I need all my rotations for fourth year planned. I am bouncing between three ideas and somehow I will decide with the little knowledge I have. Personally, life is shaping up. I think it is most important to have the most understanding and kindest person beside you. My mother seems to think differently and has a whole design of life planned for me. If there are mothers reading this, forget the plan for your children. I do not think they will ever fulfill it and you will only sabotage the relationship you can have with your children. Let them grow to be the people they want to be so they can get there faster and with greater confidence. Everyone heads in one direction: their own. I have so much in there works and currently I am planning my third year. I can handle hard work but unnecessary drama has no place with me. For those of you suffering with me from the cruelty of others, know they will find their place with what they have done. A victor in one environment can be the defeated one in another.
The test came back and it was not the grade I wanted. Forget about the numbers. Enjoy everything there is to enjoy and you will be fine. I think I am hitting my stride on becoming independent. It has been a long journey and definitely an imperfect one. I am closer to where I need to be and have dealt with the many extremes out there. I am finding my way back to the confidence I had before medical school. I am taking chances on the faith in myself and I can only make leaps and bounds. I did not want to be shaped in stress and I am not looking for shortcuts. I want the things I always wanted. It is still there. Yes, many choices would make the present easier but why give it up for the sake an entire future before you. I will keep pushing through. Second year is tough with school exams and boards. I have taken exams my whole life but as I change and age they are not my whole life. In the worse case scenario, I could find my way. I can't have less confidence if my exam grade is not as high as I thought it should be. When did my self esteem become so rooted in school? When did I think I should do anything to make school easier and have a higher possibility to do well in school? I like what and who is in my life. If I can only let go of putting all my self esteem into school, I can finally do what I need to do and stop looking in my environment to make it easier. I am only putting myself down and will face the problem again in the future. Are rotations a group thing as well like school? Anyone reading this who knows can pm to let me know.
I am back. After doing a few google searches on quitting medical school, I am swallowing my pity for myself and getting back on my horse. I have to accept that I will have grown up in medical school. Yes, I did have little time to grow up myself but when I finish I will be happy that I achieved it myself. I do try to enjoy the present and I am not always waiting for tomorrow to be better. My grades may have taken a hit but to have another six years to wait to even think of enjoying my life was not a possibility. I am struggling through my codependent nature. Medical school was the hardest place to first face this challenge but I am getting through it. I have learned so much about myself and will always face in the direction of improvement. I don't have to the best but I have to be headed to being better. And you know what, it does not have to be all in one place such as grades. There is value in other things. Growing up in medical school is not something I recommend. If you find yourself growing up there, be kind to yourself. You deserve as much patience as you have for others.