I am making great mom friends. And instead of being happy, I am having one of those 'I miss climbing so much it make me cry to see my friends climbing on FB' night. I am lonely. I want to climb and laugh and drink a cold beer while hashing some sequence on a climb with sore fingers. I miss my close climbing friends who are drifting away. I love motherhood. I really do. But what do you do when one passion (motherhood) cuts into your other passion (rock climbing)? My mother would say, "a lament of a full belly." Yes, a lament of a full belly it is.
My internal preschool/private school debate is over. I have decided I am sending my children to cheap preschool. I am sending my kids to public school. I am going to work as little hours as possible and have another baby. Is it really selfish to want to have more kids, want to spend time with my kids, instead of providing them with top notch education? Would my kids one day say, "I could have been *fill in the blank*, but you decided you couldn't stay away from us during the years we don't even remember?"
Well shit. I decided if I raised such self absorbed assholes, I would have done something really wrong. Then I would tell them, "Mama's busy. I will talk to you about this after I get back from climbing."
My husband may be realizing he is not cut out to be a stay at home dad. He is burnt out and miserable. I am not certain if it is good for my children to be home with crabby daddy all day long. It is a bad combo when I resent working and he resents being home. And it really makes my blood boil when people say that I only say I want to stay home because I have the luxury of working. And that is what my husband said tonight. My husband who knows that sometimes I won't clean off the smudge of my baby from my glasses just so I can have some part of him visible all day. My husband who knows I can't call home from work because I am afraid I would just lose it. My husband who saw me cry when my toddler was napping when I got home. He said why don't we switch roles for one week on one of my vacations? That was we can both appreciate what each other goes through. When I retorted that would not be the same since no one is going to try to die on him, he says since I have boob to calm the baby, we are even. Oh, sorry, didn't realize the stress of, oh say, doing anesthesia for a ruptured AAA was equivalent to heating up a bottle for an upset baby. My bad.
I am lonely. And to try to make up for the void, I have been up very late at night looking at my phone and watching Korean TV. This staying up late and not getting enough sleep is taking a toll on me. I am like a zombie during the day. I feel short tempered with my kids. I feel depressed. I feel even worse than I started off. The truth? I find Korean TV too addicting. I am giving myself one more chance, and if I am still out of control, I am going to have to stop cold turkey. Thing is, Korean TV really helps my Korean to the point where my parents actually ask me to watch it. Ok. No more Korean TV at night after kids are asleep. All screen off at 9:30 work night and 10:30 other nights. Must get sleep under control. Must get myself under control...
I have been lucky to work very part time for the last two weeks where I spent crazy amount of time with the kiddos. On Friday, I found myself actually feeling like I had my fill of the critters. Then I kept noticing the chaos and clutter that was my house. I told my astonished husband he is watching the kids and went to work. I have cleaned and organized Master bath, master bed, living room, hallway closet, and hallway bathroom. Every nuk has been thoroughly organized. Everything I may potentially not need has been donated. Goal is to have every living space free of clutter (OK except for toys) including the garage. Cause mama can't live like this no more.