I feel like I'm reading my own journal when my first daughter was born during residency. I scrounged up 6 weeks of an all-too-short maternity leave then went right back to the rat race of residency. I felt guilty all the time and it affected me so terribly that I had debilitating post partum depression for the first 6 months of her life. It was an awful low point. My daughter, despite all my short comings (whether real or imagined) thrived into a spirited, joyous, independent now 8 yr old who has no recollection of my not being there for a few years (I was a 3rd yr, then did a fellowship for 1 yr after that). So it is MUCH harder on you... keep that in mind.
My advice (having had one daughter during residency then another in the midst of working full time)... Do your best to survive medical school and residency- with your sanity in tact. Surround yourself with family, loving friends, amazing child care providers, whatever makes your life easier so you can focus on your baby while completing your education. Life is easier when your have completed your training as you get more control over your schedule and time.
Good luck to you. HUGS from someone who's been there and survived it. My kids are doing awesome and are proud of their doctor mama.
when my son was 2 months old I left him with my mom in usa, went out of country for medical studies.. I saw him at his first birthday.. stayed with him for abt 2 months and again left him, saw him at his second birthday... at 2yrs age he didn't have any word.. got him evaluated and he was diagnosed with PDD... after that I lost whatever interest I had in my studies and I blame my self for his condition.. I am in so much pain I cant even explain.. I see my books I hate my self coz I gave priority to my studies and not my son.. I am trying to find some way out of this state of mind and to continue my studies but it seems impossible..
my husband keeps telling me to study...but I think he doesn't understand how much guilt I have over what happened.. he also blames himself but despite that he manages to continue with his studies.. I am hoping to find my drive again...
You know the PDD is not your fault, right? There are a number of things that can cause autistic spectrum disorders. A child being raised by a grandparent is not one of them. I would take some comfort in that fact, at least. Why children have autism spectrum disorders is a mystery and of complex etiology. But I would not blame yourself for it. I would suggest seeking counseling for yourself. I went through, and still go through, periods of anxiety, grief, and pain related to my own child's health issues. I have sought out help from counselors and it has really enabled me to be a better mom and doctor.