I think you are living very honestly, honest with yourself and with us. Honest about your struggle to find your way. Perhaps people who demonstrate clarity with their decisions are not as honest about the many ways to go about things/life. Also, you are viewing things from your own unique perspective as a single mother. If you really look at your son, even when he says things like you mentioned here, does he seem ok? Try to take a step back and view things like you are looking from the outside in at the two of you, do you two seem ok like you will make it thru this year??
Also, it is wonderful to hear intimate descriptions like from Dr Sheila about the baby blanket in the call room - thank you for that, the loss and longing is very real.
I hope you are doing well - please give us an update on your decision!
I was also curious to find out what type of medical desk job you were doing in the past -- I have worked in medical informatics, have been illustrating/writing children's books more recently and am interested in getting back into a medical job, perhaps part time.